{"id":109386,"date":"2023-07-21T16:37:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-21T20:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=109386"},"modified":"2026-01-21T13:54:27","modified_gmt":"2026-01-21T17:54:27","slug":"boundaries-in-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/boundaries-in-parenting\/","title":{"rendered":"How Boundaries in Parenting Help You Meet 4 Challenges"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Why doesn&#8217;t it always work when you tell your child to stop doing something? What should you do instead?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and a mother of three, shares her approach to parenting in her book <em>Good Inside<\/em>. We&#8217;ll take a look at what she has to say about boundaries along with some supplementary advice from <em>No-Drama Discipline<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read more to learn how boundaries in parenting can help you meet four <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parenting-challenges\/\">parenting challenges<\/a> head-on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-boundaries-in-parenting\">Boundaries in Parenting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When a child is experiencing stronger emotions than they\u2019re able to control, it results in dysregulated behavior\u2014challenging behavior resulting from a kid losing control of their emotional responses.<strong> <\/strong>This is developmentally normal. Children\u2019s brains are more developed in their sensing than their regulating. For example, if your child is feeling antsy during lunchtime, she might run around and scream even though it\u2019s not the right time or place to do so and despite the fact that running while eating is a choking hazard. Although children will eventually learn to close the gap between what they can feel and what they can regulate, they still need their caregivers to step in to keep them and others safe. This is where boundaries in parenting come in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The way you keep everyone safe is by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/personal\/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries\/\">enforcing boundaries<\/a><\/strong>, which involves taking action when a child crosses a line instead of just asking them to stop. For example, the boundary you set might be \u201cIf you start running around, lunchtime is over. I will put the food away and you\u2019ll have to wait until the next snack time to eat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Asking your child to stop running makes them responsible for regulating themselves when they\u2019re unable. Not only is this not going to make your child stop (because they can\u2019t), but it will make them feel like you\u2019ve also lost control of the situation and that you\u2019re unable to keep them safe from themselves. If they continue running around, you must take the action you announced, enforcing the boundary and keeping your child and everyone around them safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Effective Boundaries Start From <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/impossible-expectations\/\">Realistic Expectations<\/a><\/strong><br><br>In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-drama-discipline\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>No-Drama Discipline<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>parenting experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain that, although boundaries are important, parents also need to <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-drama-discipline\/1-page-summary#discipline-step-1-prepare-to-discipline\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">keep brain development in mind when they set boundaries for their children<\/a>.<br><br>According to Siegel and Bryson, different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions, and they develop at different times. The lower part of the brain controls basic functions, like breathing, hunger, and strong <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/innate-emotions\/\">primary emotions<\/a> such as fear. This part of the brain is fully developed even in young children. In contrast, the upper part of the brain controls more complex functions like empathy, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-control-impulses\/\">impulse control<\/a>, emotional regulation, and critical thinking. Unlike the lower part of the brain, the upper part is <em>not <\/em>fully developed in children; in fact, the upper brain doesn\u2019t completely mature until around age 25.<br><br>According to Siegel and Bryson, the fact that kids\u2019 upper brains aren\u2019t developed yet means they\u2019re not yet capable of higher-level executive functions. For example, a four-year-old genuinely isn\u2019t capable of sitting quietly in church for an hour without something to distract her\u2014she hasn\u2019t developed impulse control (an upper brain function) yet, which means her brain hasn\u2019t yet learned to control her urges to talk, play, and move around. Her parents should <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-to-say-no\/\">set boundaries<\/a> for her, like not letting her yell in church, but also should have realistic expectations about how long she will stay within those boundaries.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #1: Aggressive Tantrums<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes, Kennedy says, <strong>tantrums become aggressive if the feelings are so intense that the child becomes frightened at her own loss of control.<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/stress-and-hormones\/\">The stress hormone<\/a> cortisol floods her body and sets off aggressive behavior like kicking or biting. Aggressive tantrums are also developmentally normal, but they need a different approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When your child\u2019s tantrum takes an aggressive turn, Kennedy recommends using two tools: 1) boundaries and 2) validation and empathy. Let&#8217;s look at how boundaries in particular can help you meet this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/challenges-parents-face\/\">parenting challenge<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Enforce the necessary boundaries to keep everyone safe. Tell your child that you won\u2019t let her continue the aggressive behavior, and, if necessary, Kennedy explains you might have to use your body to stop her without hurting her. Give her a safe and acceptable outlet for her urges. If the tantrum continues, take your child to a small room and sit there with her. Model calm behavior through deep breathing and a soothing voice. Stay there with your child until the tantrum subsides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Kennedy isn\u2019t alone in advocating for boundaries applied with love and connection. For example, instead of time-outs, Montessori-influenced educators recommend \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/reachformontessori.com\/time-in-vs-time-out-what-is-a-time-in\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">time-ins<\/a>,\u201d similar to Kennedy\u2019s suggestion to take your child to a small room. However, once your child is regulated, they suggest letting her choose whether or not to go back into the situation that triggered her. As a parent, you should decide whether giving that option violates the boundaries you\u2019ve set.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #2: Sibling Rivalry<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Sibling relationships can be challenging for children and elicit unwanted behavior<\/strong>, such as fighting or whining. Kennedy argues this is because siblings can feel threatening to a child\u2019s attachment needs since they can see your attention going to someone else. The difference in abilities and in the parental involvement other siblings require can also be frustrating to children.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To help your children manage the emotions that sibling relationships generate, Kennedy suggests using the following tools: 1) empathy, 2) confidence-building, and 3) a combination of validation and boundaries. Let&#8217;s look at how validation and boundaries in particular can help you meet this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When an argument is brewing, Kennedy says you should be an objective narrator. Describe what you\u2019re seeing and how each must be feeling, and pose questions to prompt them to problem solve without you. If a situation turns physically or verbally aggressive, step in decisively: Announce that you won\u2019t let them hurt each other, then separate them. Decide which sibling needs you most urgently and tell the other sibling that you\u2019ll be with them soon and that you know they need you, too. Then help each one regulate their emotions using the strategies for tantrums.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When you act as an objective narrator, you can treat sibling arguments as opportunities to coach your kids in the kinds of social skills that the authors of <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a> say <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/1-page-summary#interpersonal-integration-strategy-2-practice-empathy-through-disagreements\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you must teach your children<\/a>. For example, you can help your kids practice <em>seeing another person\u2019s perspective<\/em> by asking questions about how their sibling may have reacted in a certain way. Similarly, if the disagreement went so far that you had to separate your children, you might teach them the value of <em>making amends<\/em> after an argument rather than just apologizing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #3: Defiance, Whining, &amp; Lying<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents often see defiance, whining, and lying as signs of lack of respect, but Kennedy argues instead that <strong>they\u2019re symptoms of an underlying emotional discomfort<\/strong>. When your child engages in these behaviors, use <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/empathetic-connection\/\">empathy and connection<\/a> to validate what they\u2019re feeling, and to foster a relationship in which they don\u2019t need to resort to those behaviors. Kennedy recommends three tools for addressing each behavior: 1) boundaries, 2) validation, and 3) connection. Let&#8217;s look at how boundaries in particular can help you meet this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy argues that a child who\u2019s being defiant is feeling an urge she can\u2019t express in a healthy way. If your child is being defiant, calmly enforce the boundary and then see if there\u2019s an alternative, acceptable way for her to express the urge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Another way to give your child some space to express her urges is by giving her the opportunity to practice <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/methods-of-decision-making-crucial-conversations\/\">decision-making<\/a>. The authors of <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Whole-Brain Child<\/em><\/a><em> <\/em>suggest <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/chapter-3#decision-making\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">giving children simple decisions to make from a young age<\/a>, such as choosing which shirt to wear. This helps your child assert her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/maturity-continuum-7-habits\/\">independence<\/a> while building decision-making skills.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Challenge #4: Raising Deeply Feeling Kids<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy warns that some kids\u2014those she calls \u201cdeeply feeling\u201d kids\u2014might not respond well to her strategies. <strong>Some kids feel their emotions more intensely than others, and as a result have more intense reactions:<\/strong> their tantrums, for example, are more frequent, challenging, and easier to spark than other children\u2019s. This is compounded by the fact that these children also notice the comparative intensity of their feelings and reactions, and they fear that they\u2019re unloveable and that their parents won\u2019t be able to deal with them. This fills them with shame and fear, which only serves to make their reactions harsher and make it harder for parents to find ways to approach them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy suggests using the tools of boundaries and playfulness to deal with a child who has very intense emotions and reactions. Let&#8217;s look at how boundaries in particular can help you meet this parenting challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kennedy argues that a child with intense emotions and reactions fears that her outbursts will be too much for others to deal with. By calmly enforcing boundaries, you\u2019re showing her that her reactions aren\u2019t too much for you to deal with and that you\u2019re still able to be her caring leader and keep her safe. What if her reactions <em>are <\/em>too much for you to deal with? Take her to a safe place where she won\u2019t hurt herself or anyone else, then let her know that you need to take some calming breaths but that you\u2019ll stay close by and come back soon. Step away, collect yourself, and come back when you\u2019re ready.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why doesn&#8217;t it always work when you tell your child to stop doing something? What should you do instead? Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and a mother of three, shares her approach to parenting in her book Good Inside. We&#8217;ll take a look at what she has to say about boundaries along with some supplementary advice from No-Drama Discipline. Read more to learn how boundaries in parenting can help you meet four parenting challenges head-on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":16085,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[1114],"class_list":["post-109386","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-good-inside","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How Boundaries in Parenting Help You Meet 4 Challenges - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Eventually, kids close the gap between what they can feel and what they can regulate. 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