{"id":109373,"date":"2023-07-24T14:11:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-24T18:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=109373"},"modified":"2023-08-02T10:36:14","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T14:36:14","slug":"becky-kennedy-good-inside","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/becky-kennedy-good-inside\/","title":{"rendered":"Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside: Book Overview & Takeaways"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you letting a negativity bias<\/a> affect your parenting? How can you get your kids to actually want to be obedient? When is silliness an effective parenting technique?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside <\/em>helps parents effect sustainable behavior changes in their kids while building positive relationships with them. Our overview lays out Kennedy\u2019s core principles, her toolkit for dealing with challenging behavior, and explanations and solutions for common parenting challenges<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading for an overview of this practical parenting manual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Overview of Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Most parenting advice<\/a> sees children\u2019s behavior as a problem that needs to be controlled through time-outs, chore charts, and stern conversations. Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside<\/em><\/a> <\/em>takes a different approach. Becky Kennedy\u2014known simply as \u201cDr. Becky\u201d by her followers\u2014argues that these strategies jeopardize the positive connection between parents and children and don\u2019t even work in the long term. They might change your child\u2019s behavior in the short term, but they don\u2019t deal with the root causes, so the problematic behaviors will come back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy is a clinical psychologist and mother of three who\u2019s amassed a large social media following by teaching young parents how to (and how not to) react to their children\u2019s big emotions and support their children with managing these emotions. After years of seeing children and adults who had been hurt by traditional parenting strategies, she realized that parents needed to focus more on connecting with their children and less on trying to control them. She pivoted her approach in therapy and founded an online community<\/a> and learning space for parents who are looking for an alternative approach to parenting. Her book contains the strategies she\u2019s been sharing with parents in her community and social media following.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Section 1: Kennedy\u2019s Parenting Principles<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy\u2019s parenting advice stems from one basic principle: you and your child are good people, even if you\u2019re not doing well right now. Let\u2019s look at how this principle informs Kennedy\u2019s approach to parenting and the theoretical basis for her approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy\u2019s Approach to Parenting<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy\u2019s key principle is an unshakeable belief that you and your child are good people at your core\u2014you\u2019re \u201cgood inside\u201d\u2014<\/em>even when you\u2019re struggling<\/strong>. If your child\u2019s behavior is challenging or if you don\u2019t like how you\u2019re responding to her behavior, it doesn\u2019t mean your child or you are bad. It means that you\u2019re struggling and need help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Understanding that you and your child are both good even when you\u2019re struggling allows you to do the following two things:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) See challenging behavior as a clue to investigate rather than a problem to control.<\/strong> When you focus on controlling behavior instead of understanding it, you don\u2019t get to the root of the problem. Instead, find out what\u2019s triggering the behavior and work on that underlying cause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) Lead your child with confidence, and have them follow.<\/strong> As Kennedy explains, when you believe your child is essentially good, you also believe that with your guidance, she\u2019ll eventually overcome the underlying challenge and the behavior you\u2019re seeing will improve. Children notice your trust and feel safer to try the strategies you offer to solve their problems, improving their behavior as a result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Kennedy, there are two main reasons why applying these principles is hard. First, humans have a negativity bias: We\u2019re evolutionarily wired to pay more attention to negatives than positives<\/strong> so that we can quickly identify and act on problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, it\u2019s likely that you were raised by parents who didn\u2019t separate your behavior from your core identity<\/strong>. When you did something wrong, you were a bad (or lazy, spoiled, or rude) kid. Being bad meant you were at risk of not being loved. In an effort to get rid of that badness, you pushed down the emotions that triggered the behavior instead of working through them. Now, when you see your child behaving in a challenging way, it triggers your body\u2019s memory of your childhood and you instinctively try to push down their<\/em> emotions because you fear for their safety. Kennedy believes that breaking this cycle is possible with her approach to parenting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Psychological Basis of Kennedy\u2019s Approach<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy\u2019s approach has a theoretical basis in modern psychology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, it draws from attachment theory<\/a>, which explains that babies are driven to seek a strong connection with caregivers who keep them safe and care for them. <\/strong>Children instinctively protect their attachment to their caregivers, adjusting their behavior to the cues they get from their parents. If parents are responsive to their children\u2019s needs and feelings, children learn that they have a secure base<\/a> from which to go explore the world. On the other hand, if parents shut them down, children develop self-loathing or shame as a result of having feelings that their caregivers respond negatively to. This leads to becoming adults who are constantly trying to please others or who accept poor treatment as normal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, Kennedy\u2019s approach borrows from the Internal Family Systems<\/a> (IFS) model, which views a person as made up of different parts<\/strong>, each activated by different contexts, and resulting in contradictory feelings and experiences. Having a strong sense of self requires knowing that you\u2019re multifaceted and being able to flow through different feelings and experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IFS is helpful for teaching children that their emotions and feelings are part of them but not their whole selves. By getting to know themselves and understanding the different feelings they can have, they will be able to tolerate each of them better and not let one single way of being or feeling take over their whole self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brought together, attachment theory and IFS show that children are made up of different parts and that they\u2019ll unconsciously decide which parts are worthy or not according to how secure they feel expressing them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Section 2: Kennedy\u2019s Essential Toolkit<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To help you infuse those insights from theory into day-to-day parenting, Kennedy provides some essential parenting tools: boundaries, validation, empathy, connection, playfulness, and confidence building. These tools are foundational to Kennedy\u2019s concrete strategies. Here, we\u2019ll describe these tools and explain why they\u2019re important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tool #1: Connection<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Kennedy\u2019s foundational tool is to take time to connect with your child<\/a> when you\u2019re both calm<\/strong> (not in the middle of a meltdown). Nurturing your connection with your child is important because when your child is behaving in a way you don\u2019t like, it often stems from your child not feeling connected to you or from your child struggling with a feeling without an adult\u2019s support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Building connection makes it possible to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n