{"id":108633,"date":"2023-07-11T14:33:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-11T18:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=108633"},"modified":"2023-07-20T09:34:43","modified_gmt":"2023-07-20T13:34:43","slug":"how-to-be-a-better-conversationalist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-conversationalist\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Better Conversationalist: 3 Ways to Let Others Shine"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you prefer to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-yourself\/\">talk about yourself<\/a> than learn about others? Do you know how to make people feel comfortable and understood?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist\/\">good conversationalist<\/a> is a thoughtful one. They don&#8217;t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/monopolizing-conversations\/\">monopolize conversations<\/a>, they make people feel seen and heard, and they show genuine interest in others. In <em>Better Small Talk, <\/em>Patrick King shows how to take good care of the person you\u2019re talking to so they want to continue the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Continue reading for King&#8217;s advice on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-improve-conversation-skills\/\">how to be a better conversationalist<\/a> by being a thoughtful one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-be-a-better-conversationalist\">How to Be a Better Conversationalist<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Much of King&#8217;s book focuses on how <em>you <\/em>can shine in conversation. But, of course, good conversations can happen only if the other person feels good when they talk to you. So, he also addresses how to ensure your conversation partner feels important and heard and will want to keep engaging with you in the future. He shares three pieces of advice on how to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-become-a-better-conversationalist\/\">be a better conversationalist<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/just-listen\/1-page-summary\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Just Listen<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains why the other person must feel heard and respected in a conversation for that conversation to be of any value. People are constantly thinking about their own lives, feelings, and problems, so to engage with you meaningfully, they must feel you\u2019ve <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/just-listen\/1-page-summary#listening-fills-the-empathy-void-in-others\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">acknowledged and empathized with what\u2019s going on in their lives<\/a>. Once they feel cared for in this way, they\u2019ll be able to listen to you in turn.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-make-space-for-the-other-person-to-contribute\">#1: Make Space for the Other Person to Contribute<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>One of the most important ways to take care of your conversation partner is to <strong>give them room to contribute by listening well to them and not monopolizing the conversation<\/strong>. Many people view conversations as simply a way to state their own opinion or tell their own story, and they feel no obligation to listen to the other person, writes King. This makes for an unrewarding experience for the other person, who feels unimportant and unheard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To listen well and share the conversational space, King recommends the following:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Don\u2019t craft your response while the other person is still talking.<\/strong> Listen actively with an open mind and only formulate your response once they\u2019ve finished.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong><em>Show<\/em> the other person that you\u2019re listening<\/strong>. You can do this through engaged facial expressions, verbalizations, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\">body language<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Don\u2019t stick to your point or story<\/strong> if the other person takes the conversation in another direction. Be willing to let go of what you wanted to say.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>In general, try to talk less.<\/strong> People probably aren\u2019t as interested in your life as you are and don\u2019t care to hear about it endlessly.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">#2: Offer Thoughtful, Valuable Compliments<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Another way to take care of your conversation partner and ensure they feel good in conversation is to offer thoughtful compliments. King writes that the <strong>compliments that ingratiate you most effectively with the recipient target something the recipient can control or something the recipient has actively decided to do<\/strong>. Such compliments feel more meaningful to the recipient than compliments about things they can\u2019t control (like looks) because they validate a person\u2019s choices and lifestyle.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For instance, a person will be happier if you tell them you\u2019re really impressed with the garden they\u2019ve worked tirelessly to cultivate than if you compliment them on the size of their hands, which is something they have no control over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Consider complimenting others on choices they\u2019ve made to stand out from the crowd because these deliberate decisions reflect their identity and how they want to be perceived. A unique choice might be a nonconformist opinion, an unusual garment, a particular spiritual interest, or an affiliation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As an alternative to a traditional compliment, King suggests noticing people\u2019s behaviors, habits, and idiosyncrasies and non-judgmentally drawing attention to them. This makes the other person feel noteworthy and seen. For instance, if a friend often uses an uncommon turn of phrase, you might inquire about it. This will make them feel unique and interesting and might lead to an intriguing explanation of where they picked up that phrase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">#3: Pose Thoughtful Questions That Prompt a Meaningful Contribution<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, King writes that, to make space for your conversation partner, you must <strong>master the art of asking questions that prompt meaningful, interesting answers<\/strong>. Such questions allow the other person to share thoughts, stories, and ideas that appeal to them, which makes them enjoy the conversation more. Here are some question types you can try out to encourage deep, enjoyable dialogue:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Open-ended questions. <\/strong>These are questions that demand more than a binary \u201cyes or no\u201d response. \u201cWhat did you enjoy most about the concert?\u201d is an example of an open-ended question (as opposed to: \u201cDid you enjoy the concert?\u201d).<\/li><li><strong>Questions that enhance your understanding of the other person\u2019s views.<\/strong> Inquire about why someone feels a certain way or how they developed a belief. Seek to see the world through their eyes.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Follow-up questions.<\/strong> To drill down more into a topic or sentiment, ask questions that come to mind after hearing their response to your first question. (For instance: \u201cYou described the music as solemn; what do you mean by that?\u201d)<\/li><li><strong>Talk about topics other than the two of you.<\/strong> Your conversations don\u2019t have to just revolve around what you both think, feel, and believe. Talk about other things, like current events, your surroundings, new media you\u2019re consuming, and so on. King notes that this is a great way into someone\u2019s personal thoughts if you don\u2019t feel comfortable asking about those outright.<\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you prefer to talk about yourself than learn about others? Do you know how to make people feel comfortable and understood? A good conversationalist is a thoughtful one. They don&#8217;t monopolize conversations, they make people feel seen and heard, and they show genuine interest in others. In Better Small Talk, Patrick King shows how to take good care of the person you\u2019re talking to so they want to continue the conversation. Continue reading for King&#8217;s advice on how to be a better conversationalist by being a thoughtful one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":1296,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,43],"tags":[1104],"class_list":["post-108633","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-better-small-talk","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Be a Better Conversationalist: 3 Ways to Let Others Shine - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A good conversationalist makes people feel seen and heard. 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