{"id":108577,"date":"2023-07-16T13:17:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-16T17:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=108577"},"modified":"2023-07-20T09:35:00","modified_gmt":"2023-07-20T13:35:00","slug":"how-to-get-past-small-talk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-get-past-small-talk\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Get Past Small Talk: 3 Tips From a Social Interaction Expert"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you ever get stuck in the shallow pool of small talk? Would you like to learn how to take conversations into deeper territory?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Small talk is an excellent way to start a conversation<\/a>. But, if it stays there, the conversation can feel shallow and pointless. Social interaction specialist Patrick King shares some practical tips for transitioning from small talk to meaningful conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read more to learn how to get past small talk and make the most of your interactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Get Past Small Talk<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve made some small talk and sense that the other person is interested in engaging further, you can work on moving the conversation forward. King offers his advice on how to get past small talk, stressing that you must become adept at transitioning to and exploring new topics<\/strong> if you want to keep a conversation going. If you remain stuck on one topic, the conversation will quickly become boring, and one of you will likely end it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It\u2019s important to not misinterpret King\u2019s recommendation to transition to new topics once you\u2019ve covered old ones as a recommendation to fill every silence with chatter. Some people are so anxious about keeping the conversation going that they fill every conversational lull with\u2014usually inane\u2014talk<\/a>. This is different from transitioning to new topics because it\u2019s fueled by a fear of silence, rather than a desire to sustain dialogue, and often doesn\u2019t lead to enjoyable conversation. Pauses in your conversation aren\u2019t necessarily a sign that the conversation has stalled; rather, they may actually give both parties the necessary moment to think<\/a> about how they want to transition to the next topic.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are some ways King recommends to keep the conversation moving forward: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #1: Find Similarities to Talk About<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The best topic to turn to after you\u2019ve made some small talk is things you have in common. Finding similarities strengthens your connection: King says that humans have a strong evolutionary urge to be around people similar to themselves because they\u2019re more likely to be understood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To find similarities, be alert for even small areas of overlap that might lead you to discover larger similarities. If you discover that you both frequent the same bookstore, asking further questions might lead you to learn that you\u2019re both fans of the same author, for instance. You may have to probe a bit if immediate similarities aren\u2019t apparent. For example, if the other person is an avid hiker and you\u2019ve never hiked before, ask them questions about hiking that could reveal similarities. They might tell you they love hiking in a particular area, which happens to be where you grew up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What to Do When There\u2019s No Common Ground<\/strong>

What if you find yourself in conversation with someone you can\u2019t imagine having anything in common with? As the United States becomes increasingly politically polarized<\/a>, it\u2019s becoming harder for people on one side of the political spectrum to feel they could ever find common ground with people<\/a> on the other side.

In Think Again<\/em><\/a>, social scientist Adam Grant proposes a solution<\/a> to this perception of irreconcilable difference: We should complexify <\/em>our <\/em>discussions<\/a>. <\/em>By this, he means exploring or showing a spectrum of views<\/em> on a topic, rather than just two opposing views<\/a>. In conversation, you could complexify a discussion with someone you\u2019d normally disagree with by talking about individual cases where one of your perspectives might not hold or make sense.

For instance, if you\u2019re an avid recycler and you\u2019re speaking to someone who hates recycling, you might talk about instances when recycling isn\u2019t <\/em>a good idea (like when the material you\u2019re recycling is hazardous) and instances when recycling actually is <\/em>a good idea (like when you\u2019re recycling something that can easily be repurposed to create a new product<\/a>). To move the conversation toward complexification and away from outright disagreement, you might use King\u2019s advice to probe into your conversation partner\u2019s answers, leading them to think more complexly. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Tip #2: Memorize Acronyms That Advance the Conversation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

King also recommends memorizing nine different types of responses you can make to a comment. Each approach can lead you into new conversational territory, and they\u2019re represented by three acronyms:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor. <\/strong>History entails contributing a story from your personal history. Philosophy entails offering an opinion or personal philosophy on the topic. Metaphor entails going farther afield, bringing up something the topic reminds you of. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

SBR: Specific, Broad, Related. <\/strong>Specific entails asking a more detailed question about something said. Broad means asking a more general question. Related entails moving in a slightly different direction to ask about something tangential (if you\u2019re talking about the croissant you\u2019re both eating, a related question might be to ask if the other person\u2019s ever been to France or if they like to bake themselves). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It\u2019s worth noting that not all of these response types will be appropriate for every conversation. SBR, which involves asking questions of the other person, might be better for conversations with people who are experiencing personal difficulty<\/a>. When you ask specific, broad, and related questions of them, you can better understand what they\u2019re experiencing and how you might help. HPM, on the other hand, might be more useful when you\u2019re getting to know a new acquaintance or group, especially if you\u2019re someone who tends to speak up less in conversation<\/a>. If you know that you can reach for history, philosophy, or metaphor to keep the conversation going, it will be easier for you to think of topics to engage the other person.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restatement. <\/strong>Emotion means positing what you think the other person\u2019s feelings were about something they just said (\u201cGoing to Paris must have been incredible!\u201d). Detail means asking for more detail specifically in relation to the other person. (\u201cHow did you like the Renoir paintings in the Louvre?\u201d) Restatement simply entails restating what the other person just said to show them you\u2019re listening and encourage them to elaborate (\u201cThe painting had been stolen<\/em>?!\u201d).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Of all the acronyms, this one might require you to pay the most attention to the other person. This is because you must be able to make a feasible prediction of how they felt about something, pick up on small details<\/a> of their story, and restate what they\u2019ve just said with reasonable accuracy. If EDR seems hard to execute, you might consider strengthening your listening muscle by focusing exclusively on what the other person is saying<\/a> without pre-planning your response in your mind.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip #3: Free-Associate to Explore New Topics<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

At times and despite your best efforts, your conversation might still stagnate. In such cases, King recommends you continue the conversation by free-associating with the existing conversation topic<\/strong>. Free-associating means summoning to mind and mentioning the first thing (or a few things) you think of in relation to the topic. This can move the conversation into new, fertile ground. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, if you\u2019ve both run out of things to say, but you just ate a McDonald\u2019s burger, free associate with \u201cMcDonald\u2019s.\u201d Perhaps McDonald\u2019s makes you think of the plastic toys you get in a happy meal, that trip you took with your parents when you were eight, and the pricey steak you had at a five-star restaurant last weekend. Any of these ideas is a viable direction to take the conversation in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Free-associating is a common warm-up exercise in improvisational comedy and theater<\/a>. It helps performers become less judgmental of themselves and freer in their responses. Another improv exercise you might repurpose to improve your conversations is the game and concept of \u201cYes And.\u201d<\/a> When you \u201cyes and\u201d someone, you agree with what they\u2019ve said and then add something new to it. For instance, if they say, \u201cThis hamburger tastes like cardboard,\u201d you might say: \u201cI agree, and the fries taste like crayons.\u201d This naturally shifts the conversation into new and interesting territory.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you ever get stuck in the shallow pool of small talk? Would you like to learn how to take conversations into deeper territory? Small talk is an excellent way to start a conversation. But, if it stays there, the conversation can feel shallow and pointless. Social interaction specialist Patrick King shares some practical tips for transitioning from small talk to meaningful conversation. Read more to learn how to get past small talk and make the most of your interactions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":22228,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,43],"tags":[1104],"class_list":["post-108577","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-better-small-talk","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Get Past Small Talk: 3 Tips From a Social Interaction Expert - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Small talk is a great starter, but a conversation can feel shallow if it stays there. 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