{"id":108547,"date":"2023-07-10T16:07:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-10T20:07:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=108547"},"modified":"2025-09-15T11:13:00","modified_gmt":"2025-09-15T15:13:00","slug":"how-to-help-kids-with-adhd","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-help-kids-with-adhd\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Help Kids With ADHD: 3 Parenting Tips"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Have you been researching non-stop about ADHD? What can you do as a parent to help your child cope with ADHD<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Scattered Minds<\/em> by Gabor Mat\u00e9\u2019s advice for helping a child with ADHD heal is to not force them to take medicine if it does more harm than good, and to do your best to provide the psychological and physical nourishment they need. However, children with ADHD\u2014and their parents\u2014face some unique challenges as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s explore how to help kids with ADHD by providing a nurturing and supportive environment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of Shortform’s guide on ADHD<\/a>.\u00a0If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Repairing the Parent-Child Bond<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 believes the fundamental cause of ADHD<\/a> is the rupture of the parent-child bond<\/a>. Since your child is still developing, you have the opportunity to repair that rupture and strengthen the bond. The best way to help kids with ADHD is by cultivating and communicating an attitude of perfect acceptance of your child. <\/em><\/strong>If you\u2019re perfectly accepting of your child, you feel that you love, respect, and appreciate your child no matter what\u2014and more importantly, you make sure that your child feels secure in that fact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Like many parents, you may struggle to accept your child\u2019s ADHD diagnosis\u2014perhaps you feel anxious about their future, blame yourself for their struggles, or are even in denial about their diagnosis. To move toward acceptance<\/a>, experts recommend that you reflect on your feelings so you can understand them, give yourself time to grieve, and focus on your child\u2019s strengths.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To show your child that you accept them perfectly, Mat\u00e9 recommends the following steps:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take a loving interest in your child\u2019s inner world.<\/strong> Try to understand what it\u2019s like to be them without <\/em>trying to \u201cfix\u201d them. If your child senses that you\u2019re judgmental, anxious, or angry about what\u2019s going on with them, it can make them feel ashamed and want to pull away from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: One concrete way to take a loving interest in your child is to focus on the meaning <\/em>behind their behavior instead of the behavior itself<\/a>. For example, if your teenager with ADHD has been skipping school, you might ask them why instead of immediately punishing them for it. Perhaps they\u2019re skipping school because they feel anxious about their ability to get good grades\u2014once you know this, you can proactively address that anxiety, which could resolve the misbehavior.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Initiate quality time with your child. <\/strong>This demonstrates that you value their presence in your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages<\/em><\/a>, Gary Chapman explains that there are two kinds of quality time<\/a>\u2014a meaningful conversation about what\u2019s going on in your lives and time spent focusing on the same activity. You may not be interested in the same activities your child is, but engaging in those activities with them anyway shows that you care more about spending time with them than your own enjoyment.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Avoid reactionary parenting. <\/strong>Mat\u00e9 says that your greatest priority as a parent is fulfilling your child\u2019s needs\u2014not<\/em> acting on your own emotional impulses. For example, this could mean taking time to gather yourself before you launch into a difficult discussion with your child about their school performance. If you can\u2019t regulate your emotions while you\u2019re parenting, your child may feel anxious and alienated from you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In No-Drama Discipline<\/em><\/a>, parenting experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson recommend three strategies to help you avoid reactionary parenting<\/a>. First, keep in mind that your child\u2019s developing brain doesn\u2019t support adult-like behavior yet, so you shouldn\u2019t expect them to act like adults or understand your adult point of view. Second, ask yourself about the meaning behind your child\u2019s behavior, what you want them to learn from this experience, and how to best deliver that message. Third, wait to discipline your child until you\u2019re both calm enough to have a productive discussion.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dealing With Defiance<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Many children with ADHD exhibit defiance\u2014an automatic reflex where the child rejects the parent\u2019s demands, expectations, or instructions<\/strong>\u2014and parents struggle to deal with that defiance without escalating the conflict. <\/strong>Mat\u00e9 explains that defiance is healthy to some extent\u2014by defying you, your child sets herself apart as an individual, which is an important part of her development. Defiance is especially common in teenagers because it\u2019s developmentally important for them to begin feeling more independent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: If you\u2019re struggling with your child\u2019s defiance, you\u2019re not alone: Psychologists note that more than half of children with ADHD are also diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder<\/a>, or ODD, which is characterized by a pattern of hostile behavior toward authorities. This behavior includes throwing temper tantrums, refusing to follow rules, and being argumentative. ODD is a controversial diagnosis for two reasons: It\u2019s based on how hard it is for parents and teachers to get a child to conform rather than the child\u2019s internal experience, and it seems to pathologize normal childhood behavior.<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 suggests taking the following steps whenever your child is defiant: First, encourage your child to express their feelings, and validate those feelings even if your child isn\u2019t going to get their way. Second, decide whether it\u2019s worth enforcing your rules in this case\u2014is it something trivial or a matter of their safety or well-being? Third, refuse to engage in a power struggle\u2014it\u2019s not about overpowering or imposing your will on them but getting your child to cooperate with you. Finally\u2014and most importantly\u2014after a disagreement, take the initiative to reconnect with your child as soon as possible<\/strong>. This reaffirms your perfect acceptance of your child: They know that no matter what they do, your relationship can\u2019t be damaged beyond repair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In addition to Mat\u00e9\u2019s tips, other experts recommend using positive reinforcement to decrease defiant behavior<\/a>. This includes praising your child<\/a> for good behavior, offering lots of positive attention during daily life, and creating a reward system\u2014for example, if your child completes their chores every day for a week, they could earn extra time on the computer.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Promoting Achievement<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 emphasizes that promoting achievement shouldn\u2019t be your <\/strong>first <\/em><\/strong>priority<\/strong>\u2014it\u2019s not as important as the parent-child bond, and if you put achievement first, your child will internalize your anxiety\/anger about their performance as shame. However, Mat\u00e9 also says that children with ADHD need to feel empowered to achieve whatever they want to achieve<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: One way you can empower your child with ADHD to achieve is by teaching them self-advocacy skills. Self-advocacy in the context of ADHD<\/a> means knowing how your ADHD impacts you, knowing what you need to overcome your ADHD symptoms, and working to meet those needs (for example, by asking for accommodations). When you teach your child to self-advocate, they learn that they\u2019re capable of independently overcoming barriers to their achievement\u2014and studies show that they\u2019re more likely to succeed.<\/a> Additionally, some experts argue that developing self-advocacy skills also improves kids\u2019 self-esteem and teamwork skills<\/a>, which provides benefits outside of academic achievement\u2014like strengthening their bond with you.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He makes a couple of concrete suggestions to promote your child\u2019s empowerment:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Develop your child\u2019s capacity for intrinsic motivation<\/a><\/strong> by giving them the opportunity to make their own choices (within reason) and letting them know that it\u2019s okay if they don\u2019t meet others\u2019 expectations for their achievement. Mat\u00e9 says this is better than relying on extrinsic motivation\u2014like punishments and rewards\u2014to encourage your child to achieve for three reasons: it gives the child anxiety about measuring up to your standards, increases defiance, and incentivizes the child to take the easiest route possible to achieve a desired reward (rather than incentivizing them to become genuinely invested in the task itself).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Experts note that for people without ADHD, the capacity for intrinsic motivation doesn\u2019t fully mature until your mid-20s\u2014and that comes even later for people with ADHD<\/a>. So even as you encourage your child to develop intrinsic motivation, you may still have to rely on extrinsic motivators\u2014like rewards for good grades\u2014to help them achieve.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 suggests that when it comes to school-related achievement, you work together with your child\u2019s teachers to ensure that your child\u2019s ADHD-related needs are being accommodated.<\/strong> For example, if your child\u2019s teacher says they have difficulty staying still during class, you can collaborate to incorporate appropriate movement into their day\u2014for example, maybe a fidget spinner. You can also collaborate with your child himself by helping him strategize about how to meet his own educational goals without pushing your own goals onto him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: If you live in the United States and have evidence that your child\u2019s ADHD interferes with their ability to achieve in school, your child may be legally entitled <\/em>to receive accommodations at school<\/a>. Common accommodations for schoolchildren with ADHD include extra time on exams, tailored assignments, extra breaks for physical activity, and the elimination of environmental distractions.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have you been researching non-stop about ADHD? What can you do as a parent to help your child cope with ADHD? Scattered Minds by Gabor Mat\u00e9\u2019s advice for helping a child with ADHD heal is to not force them to take medicine if it does more harm than good, and to do your best to provide the psychological and physical nourishment they need. However, children with ADHD\u2014and their parents\u2014face some unique challenges as well. Let\u2019s explore how to help kids with ADHD by providing a nurturing and supportive environment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":91649,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,13,9],"tags":[1105],"class_list":["post-108547","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-scattered-minds","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Help Kids With ADHD: 3 Parenting Tips - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There are steps you can take as a parent to make sure kids with ADHD live a nondisruptive life. 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