{"id":108382,"date":"2023-07-23T12:01:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-23T16:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=108382"},"modified":"2023-07-25T14:29:50","modified_gmt":"2023-07-25T18:29:50","slug":"narcissistic-manipulation-tactics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/narcissistic-manipulation-tactics\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics to Keep an Eye Out For"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are common narcissistic manipulation tactics to look out for? How do narcissists keep their victims from leaving them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main goal of a narcissist is to gain adoration from others, which reinforces their feeling of superiority. In Power<\/em>, Shahida Arabi describes the tell-tale signs of a narcissist trying to manipulate you into giving them that attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to understand these tactics so you can be better equipped to deal with narcissists in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

1. A Pattern of Building You Up and Tearing You Down<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A common narcissistic manipulation tactic is a repeating pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a relationship, only to then tear you down<\/strong> psychologically through covert and direct insults. Arabi says that this tends to end with the narcissist abandoning you in a cruel way, though they are likely to try to maintain control and start the pattern all over again with false promises of changing their behavior. Arabi refers to this as the \u201cIdealize-Devalue-Discard\u201d cycle. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This tactic is effective because at the neurological level, it establishes a biochemical addiction to the narcissist<\/strong>. The narcissist\u2019s false charm and over-the-top expressions of love (what Arabi calls \u201clove-bombing\u201d) tend to make you invested in them quickly, and it leads to high amounts of the brain chemical dopamine that makes you feel good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arabi then says that when the narcissist begins to turn on you and withhold that affection, you\u2019ll strive to please them to get back to that level of dopamine. By erratically flip-flopping between love and cruelty, the narcissist creates what psychologists call an \u201cintermittent reward\u201d  that makes the dopamine rush<\/a> even more intense when they finally treat you well. Arabi compares this to when people play slot machines, and they can\u2019t stop playing because of the randomness of the occasional earnings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Gaslighting<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The next common manipulation tactic of a narcissist is gaslighting, in which the abuser makes you feel like the abuse isn\u2019t actually happening or that your negative reaction to their abuse is unwarranted<\/strong>. Arabi says they might achieve this with blatant denial, like \u201cThat never happened,\u201d or by feigning innocence and implying that you\u2019re overly sensitive. For example, they might use statements like \u201cI didn\u2019t know you would get so upset about that\u2014I didn\u2019t mean any harm,\u201d even when they intentionally hurt and triggered you.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arabi explains that this tactic is highly damaging because it makes you question whether the abuse is really happening and makes you feel ashamed for being too sensitive or critical. This ultimately gives the narcissist more ammunition to harm (an additional insecurity to target) and reduces your ability to call them out or hold them accountable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The term \u201cgaslighting\u201d comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight<\/em><\/a>. In the movie, a man tries to manipulate his wife into feeling like she\u2019s going insane by changing things around their house\u2014including dimming and flickering gas lights in the attic\u2014and then denying that anything happened. Since then, it\u2019s been popularized as a term for this common type of manipulation. Experts assert that the people most likely to use this tactic are those with NPD, borderline personality disorder, and sociopathy<\/a>. However, anyone can gaslight<\/a>, even without an underlying mental illness, and people can also gaslight others without realizing what they\u2019re doing<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Drawing You Back Into the Relationship<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Another manipulation strategy narcissists use to fulfill their incessant need for attention is a psychological term called \u201choovering\u201d\u2014or sucking you back into the relationship. Arabi explains that narcissists will try to draw you back in not because they have any genuine remorse for their actions or love for you but because they want more <\/strong>from<\/em><\/strong> you<\/strong>. It\u2019s a way of testing your boundaries\u2014how far can the narcissist push you and still be able to continue the abuse?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In one form of this tactic, once you\u2019ve distanced yourself from the narcissist or after the narcissist abandons you, they\u2019ll lure you back with apologies, lies about their remorse, and promises to go back to the way things were at the beginning of the relationship. Arabi says the narcissist may also prey on your compassion or guilt you into returning through methods such as threatening self-harm. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In the case of someone threatening self-harm, it\u2019s important to seek advice from professionals<\/a> who can determine whether the person is at risk and provide support. In other cases, if someone\u2019s trying to manipulate you back into a relationship, there are several strategies that might be helpful to resist these tactics. In Attached<\/em><\/a>,<\/em> Amir Levine and Rachel Heller provide advice for ending toxic relationships<\/a>, such as getting friends and family to support you through the process, making a list of all the reasons you ended the relationship, and making sure you have a new safe and cozy place to stay if you were living with the ex-partner.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arabi warns that if you\u2019ve ended things with the narcissist, they might stalk you after the breakup as a way of intimidating you, exerting control over your life, and provoking some kind of response. (Shortorm note: One piece of advice from experts is to contact law enforcement if a stalker threatens to hurt you or themsel<\/a>ves. Other strategies for dealing with a stalker<\/a> (even if they\u2019re not a narcissist) are changing your routine<\/a> and changing the locks on your doors if necessary, telling friends and family about it so they can act as witnesses, documenting any evidence of the stalking, and blocking and reporting the stalker on social media. It\u2019s also important to avoid contact with the stalker since they\u2019ll perceive any contact as encouragement.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Difference Between Narcissists and Emotionally Immature People<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Arabi acknowledges that some of the manipulation tactics described in this section may seem similar to the behaviors of people who don\u2019t have NPD. There are many people who string their partners along and dump them in inconsiderate ways, or are self-absorbed and don\u2019t treat others with respect. Although some of these qualities overlap with emotionally immature people who don\u2019t have NPD (who Arabi refers to as \u201ctoxic\u201d), Arabi recommends simply walking away from anyone who demonstrates a pattern of these behaviors<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Similar to Arabi, many resources for potential abuse victims focus on behaviors<\/em> that serve as warning signs to leave an abusive relationship rather than determining a diagnosis for the abusive partner, which only psychologists can do<\/a>. For example, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides a list of warning signs and common traits in abusers<\/a>. In Why Does He Do That?<\/em><\/a>, Bancroft goes a step further by saying that even if a person isn\u2019t considered abusive, it\u2019s best to end a relationship if you ever feel chronically mistreated, controlled, or silenced<\/a>.)  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Arabi adds that the key distinction between someone with NPD and someone who\u2019s emotionally immature is that the narcissist is not just inconsiderate but incapable of feeling compassion, and they\u2019re unlikely to want to change<\/strong> because they\u2019re getting what they want by abusing other people. An emotionally immature person, on the other hand, does have the capacity to grow and evolve, especially when they come to terms with how their actions affect others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Treatment for NPD<\/strong>

As Arabi suggests, many experts assert that NPD is difficult to treat<\/a> because a narcissist is unlikely to think that anything\u2019s wrong with them, and they often interact negatively with a therapist\u2014either by manipulating them or lashing out at them.

One expert says that to change their behavior, a narcissist has to fulfill three requirements<\/a>. They have to: 1) realize they have a serious problem and understand how it negatively affects others, 2) be motivated to improve their behavior because of the threat of consequences (such as losing their job or losing contact with their family), and 3) stay committed to therapy and the effort to change. 

However, this expert writes that even if someone with NPD expresses a willingness to change, the attempt usually doesn\u2019t last because they won\u2019t engage in genuine self-reflection<\/a> and take responsibility<\/a> for their flaws. 

Despite these challenges, one research article says that NPD patients can benefit from medications such as antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and antidepressants as well as long-term therapy<\/a> that examines the relationship between the patient and the therapist. 

On the other hand, experts suggest that unlike those with NPD, people who are emotionally immature<\/a> have the capacity to change their behavior through self-reflection and working to control their reactions and improve their communication. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What are common narcissistic manipulation tactics to look out for? How do narcissists keep their victims from leaving them? The main goal of a narcissist is to gain adoration from others, which reinforces their feeling of superiority. In Power, Shahida Arabi describes the tell-tale signs of a narcissist trying to manipulate you into giving them that attention. Keep reading to understand these tactics so you can be better equipped to deal with narcissists in a relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":69195,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[1102],"class_list":["post-108382","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-power","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe 3 Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics to Keep an Eye Out For - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Narcissists are better at hiding their true colors than you think. 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