What\u2019s the secret to a happy long-term relationship? What should you do, and what should you avoid?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019re regularly fighting with your partner or just feeling a little bored, staying happy may seem more easily said than done. But, maintaining a happy romantic relationship isn\u2019t as difficult as it can seem\u2014as long as you\u2019re armed with the right knowledge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Read on for expert advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship<\/a> with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n We\u2019ll draw from the work of 11 relationship experts\u2014including renowned relationship researchers John and Julie Schwartz Gottman and noted couples therapist Esther Perel\u2014to lay out the secrets to maintaining a happy romantic relationship. We\u2019ll discuss the importance of understanding your needs and your partner\u2019s and share the experts\u2019 tips for sustaining both emotional and physical intimacy<\/a>. We\u2019ll also explain why conflict can ruin your relationship\u2014and describe how to handle conflict<\/a> effectively so that it doesn\u2019t. Let’s get started with their advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship<\/a> with your partner for the long haul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One essential element of maintaining a happy relationship is to understand both your needs and your partner\u2019s. Specifically, relationship experts recommend understanding your attachment styles<\/a> and your love languages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Attached<\/em><\/a>, psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller contend that the best way to create a relationship that fulfills your emotional needs is to understand both your own and your partner\u2019s attachment styles<\/strong>\u2014the beliefs and behaviors that determine how you function in intimate relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re a secure attacher, your major relationship goal is to maintain your secure attachment style<\/a>. If you\u2019re an anxious attacher<\/a>, accepting your romantic needs is critical<\/a> to developing a happy relationship. If you\u2019re an avoidant attacher, developing a happy relationship depends on recognizing and combating the techniques you use to maintain emotional distance<\/a> from your partner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In The 5 Love Languages<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Gary Chapman argues that the way you understand love depends on your love language<\/em>\u2014the types of actions or behaviors that make you feel the most loved. To help your partner feel loved, you must learn which language they speak. According to Chapman, the five languages of love<\/a> are Words of Affirmation<\/a>, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service<\/a>, and Physical Touch.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You can identify your love language<\/a> by reflecting on what makes you feel most loved, what makes you feel hurt or unloved, and how you treat your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To identify your partner\u2019s love language, self-help expert Jack Canfield offers three tips<\/a> in The Success Principles<\/em><\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can tell you\u2019ve identified someone\u2019s love language when they respond favorably to what you did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Relationship experts contend that another key to maintaining a happy romantic relationship is to sustain emotional intimacy<\/a>. Specifically, they suggest that you regularly connect with each other and let each other and your relationship evolve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em><\/a>, relationship researcher John Gottman<\/a> and coauthor Nan Silver highlight the importance of connecting regularly with your partner so that you can maintain your connection long-term. They explain that happy couples regularly respond to each other\u2019s bids<\/strong>, or overtures for connection<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To improve how often you respond to your partner\u2019s overtures, Gottman and Silver suggest that you intentionally reconnect each evening<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Eight Dates<\/em><\/a>, Gottman, his wife\u2014fellow relationship researcher Julie Schwartz Gottman\u2014and married couple Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams also highlight the importance of connecting regularly with your partner. The authors explain that relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner<\/strong><\/a>, as individuals and as a couple. So to support each other\u2019s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While the authors of Eight Dates<\/em> highlight the importance of letting each other <\/em>evolve, How to Not Die Alone<\/a><\/em> author <\/em>Logan <\/em>Ury emphasizes the importance of building a relationship<\/em> that can grow with you<\/strong><\/a>. She explains that most people recognize that they\u2019ve changed a lot in the past, but they don\u2019t expect to change a lot in the future. But in reality, you (and your partner) will probably change just as much in the future as you did in the past. Therefore, it\u2019s critical to ensure that your relationship evolves, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to maintaining emotional intimacy over time, maintaining physical intimacy is a key aspect of maintaining a happy relationship. To do so, relationship experts recommend that you communicate about sex. However, their recommendations for how <\/em>to communicate about sex differ. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors of Eight Dates<\/em> argue that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation<\/strong><\/a>. The authors offer a few tips for talking about sex with your partner<\/a>. First, make sure you\u2019re not <\/em>doing it right before, during, or after sex. Since it\u2019s a delicate topic, bringing it up in the moment is a recipe for disaster<\/strong>. Second, don\u2019t underestimate the power of humor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Mating in Captivity<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>couples therapist Esther Perel suggests that talking about sex isn\u2019t always the right choice. Perel explains that, <\/strong>in modern times, talking has become the default language for intimacy<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong> Women are socialized to be good at verbal communication, they build (and expect men to build) intimacy by talking. Men, however, have been socialized to take a more physical approach<\/a> when expressing themselves. They\u2019re often more comfortable developing intimacy through non-verbal communication<\/a>, for example, through touch or sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No matter how well you maintain emotional and physical intimacy, you\u2014like every couple\u2014will inevitably face conflict. But you can still have a happy relationship despite these conflicts, as long as you learn to manage them effectively. Specifically, relationship experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging patterns so that you can avoid them<\/strong> <\/strong>and learn to fight in a healthy manner<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>, Gottman and Silver explain that conflicts can destroy relationships<\/strong> if<\/strong> they induce regular flooding<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u2014a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they\u2019re unable to respond rationally to their spouse. The authors name four damaging patterns of behavior\u2014the \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d\u2014that you should watch out for because they may heighten the risk of flooding, which leads spouses to emotionally detach from one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Attached<\/em>, Levine and Heller describe another damaging pattern of behavior that couples may fall into. A couple may get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong> If one partner is avoidant (generally uncomfortable with intimacy) and the other is anxious (highly desirous of intimacy), the anxious attacher always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect\u2014which repels the avoidant partner even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you\u2019re aware of the types of damaging conflict-related behavioral patterns<\/a> you may fall into, how can you fight more effectively? <\/p>\n\n\n\n As we\u2019ve seen, Gottman and Silver warn against the four horsemen because they heighten the risk of flooding. However, there are things you can do during your argument<\/a> to stop yourself and your partner from engaging in the four horsemen\u2014and to mitigate their impact if one of you does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n First, the authors suggest that you adjust the beginning<\/strong>. If you begin<\/em> the conversation negatively, you\u2019re more likely to induce a negative response. Second, calm down. <\/strong>Gottman and Silver note that if you\u2019re feeling flooded\u2014which you may feel if you or your partner engages in one of the four horsemen\u2014you likely won\u2019t be able to have a productive discussion. So pay attention to your emotional and physical state: If you feel as though you’re about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you\u2019re likely flooded. If so, take a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Once you\u2019ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Attached<\/em><\/a>, Levine and Heller suggest another strategy for fighting more effectively in relationships: Learn to fight like a secure attacher, who generally has a healthy and comfortable relationship with intimacy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Levine and Heller name four strategies you can adopt to handle conflicts<\/a> in a way that will bring you closer.<\/p>\n\n\n\nHow to Maintain a Healthy Relationship<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Understand Your Needs and Your Partner\u2019s<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Understand Your Attachment Styles<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Understand Your Love Languages<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Maintain Emotional Intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Connect With Your Partner<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Let Each Other Evolve<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Let the Relationship Evolve<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Maintain Physical Intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Talk About Sex<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Try Non-Verbal Communication <\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Handle Conflict Effectively<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Recognize Damaging Patterns<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Struggle<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Fight Healthily<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Reduce Flooding<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Fight Like a Secure Attacher<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Talk About How You Manage Conflict<\/h5>\n\n\n\n