{"id":108043,"date":"2023-07-10T15:39:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-10T19:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=108043"},"modified":"2023-07-14T10:28:58","modified_gmt":"2023-07-14T14:28:58","slug":"relationship-patterns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/relationship-patterns\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Damaging Relationship Patterns &#038; How to Avoid Them"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you acknowledge the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism? Do you sometimes shut down because you&#8217;re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/getting-overwhelmed\/\">feeling overwhelmed<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Like every couple, you and your partner face conflict at times. But, you can still <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship\/\">have a happy relationship<\/a> despite these conflicts as long as you learn to manage them effectively. Specifically, experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging relationship patterns so that you can avoid them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read more to understand these patterns and see whether they&#8217;re in your own relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-recognizing-damaging-relationship-patterns\">Recognizing Damaging Relationship Patterns<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/a><\/em>, relationship researcher <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/gottman-love-lab-marriage-divorce\/\">John Gottman<\/a> and coauthor Nan Silver explain that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work\/1-page-summary#how-conflict-destroys-marriages\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>conflicts can destroy relationships<\/strong> <strong>if<\/strong> <strong>they induce regular <em>flooding<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u2014a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they\u2019re unable to respond rationally to their spouse. The authors name four damaging relationship patterns\u2014the \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d\u2014that you should watch out for because they may heighten the risk of flooding, which leads spouses to emotionally detach from one another. The fifth relationship pattern we include comes from the book <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/attached\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Attached<\/a><\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Criticism<\/strong>. One person expresses dissatisfaction with their partner <em>generally<\/em> instead of expressing dissatisfaction about a specific issue. For example, they say, \u201cYou\u2019re a slob,\u201d instead of \u201cYou didn\u2019t clean the kitchen when you said you would.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Contempt<\/strong>. One person expresses dissatisfaction in a way that belittles their partner and signifies a lack of respect. For example, they might say, \u201cI can\u2019t believe you forgot to clean the kitchen. Are you stupid?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Defensiveness<\/strong>. One person, who feels attacked by their partner, tries to protect themselves. But this strategy backfires because it shifts responsibility onto the <em>other<\/em> person. For example, the spouse who didn\u2019t clean the kitchen might say, \u201cI may have forgotten to clean the kitchen, but I cleaned the bathroom, which you never do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. Stonewalling<\/strong>. One person feels overwhelmed and stops responding. (This person is likely feeling flooded.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>5. Anxious-Avoidant. <\/strong>In <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/attached\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Attached<\/a><\/em>, psychiatrist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller describe another damaging relationship pattern that couples may fall into. <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/attached\/1-page-summary#why-anxious-avoidant-pairs-struggle\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">A couple may <strong>get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash<\/strong><\/a><strong>.<\/strong> If one partner is avoidant (generally uncomfortable with intimacy) and the other is anxious (highly desirous of intimacy), the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/anxious-attacher\/\">anxious attacher<\/a> always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect\u2014which repels the avoidant partner even more.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Levine and Heller note that, while these partners may love each other, their <strong>interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple&#8217;s different needs expand into every corner of life. <\/strong>For example<strong>, <\/strong>if Avoidant Annie is reluctant to marry because she wants to maintain her <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/maturity-continuum-7-habits\/\">independence<\/a>, that desire probably won\u2019t disappear after the wedding\u2014and may later manifest in a fight about whether to vacation together or separately. <strong>Every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention<\/strong>, and each partner\u2019s happiness in the relationship deteriorates.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you acknowledge the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism? Do you sometimes shut down because you&#8217;re feeling overwhelmed? Like every couple, you and your partner face conflict at times. But, you can still have a happy relationship despite these conflicts as long as you learn to manage them effectively. Specifically, experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging relationship patterns so that you can avoid them. Read more to understand these patterns and see whether they&#8217;re in your own relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":77428,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12,43],"tags":[1097],"class_list":["post-108043","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-master-guides-maintaining-a-happy-relationship","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>5 Damaging Relationship Patterns &amp; How to Avoid Them - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Relationship experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging relationship patterns so that you can avoid them. Here&#039;s how.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/relationship-patterns\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Damaging Relationship Patterns &amp; How to Avoid Them\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Relationship experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging relationship patterns so that you can avoid them. 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