{"id":107697,"date":"2023-07-10T14:27:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-10T18:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=107697"},"modified":"2023-07-11T08:48:34","modified_gmt":"2023-07-11T12:48:34","slug":"empathy-in-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/empathy-in-communication\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Utilize Empathy in Communication Skills"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why exactly is empathy? How can you successfully use empathy in communication<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In communication, empathy is important because it sets the tone for all subsequent interactions. Expressing yourself with empathy means clearly and accurately vocalizing your emotions and thoughts in a way that makes the other person willing to listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn about the psychology of empathy, how it develops, and how to express yourself<\/a> emphatically. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Psychology of Empathy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Failing to express yourself with empathy often leads to misunderstandings or offenses that can damage relationships, says Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence<\/em><\/a>. This issue is especially prevalent when people are upset or discussing sensitive topics. When emotions are running high, people tend to speak before thinking and can say offensive, confusing, or inaccurate things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Empathy in communication is the root of altruism\u2014people who can\u2019t sense or understand another person\u2019s needs or anguish ultimately don\u2019t care what happens to that other person. Empathy changes the way you look at the world: when other people are in pain, you work to understand their pain and help them through it. You also work not to cause people pain: this is where morals and morality begin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lower someone\u2019s capacity for empathy, the less likely they are to identify with suffering that they cannot understand, and the more likely they do not view that suffering as a moral question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An example of this can be found in some statements on sexual assault. Some male politicians have said, \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t want that to happen to our wives, daughters, sisters, or mothers.\u201d Instead of viewing sexual assault as a morally bad thing to happen to anybody under any circumstances, this statement only understands the suffering through direct personal relationships\u2014it\u2019s a more limited display of empathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An absence of empathy is incredibly telling: it\u2019s a unifying factor among many troubled people in society, such as criminal psychopaths. This is not a direct correlation. An absence of empathy in communication does not guarantee that someone will become a child molester\u2014but child molesters routinely demonstrate an absence of empathy in communication. Criminals, specifically those who commit their crimes against other people, are usually incapable of communicating with empathy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

An emotional cycle perpetuates these crimes. The perpetrators become wrapped up in their own emotional needs and do not register their victims\u2019 feelings, viewing them instead through a lens where they either cooperate with the acts or deserve them, which sparks the perpetrators\u2019 emotions again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When offenders who\u2019ve committed these crimes are put through empathy rehabilitation, they learn to put themselves in the shoes of their victims\u2014this essentially robs them of their ability to fantasize that the victims aren\u2019t suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Empathy Develops<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Emotional Intelligence<\/em><\/a> says that in the early stages of our development, we cannot tell ourselves apart from anyone else around us\u2014we interpret everything outside ourselves as part of ourselves. This is why babies mirror our facial expressions. Up until about one year of age, infants perceive any distress around them as if it were their own distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At around 2.5 years, toddlers can recognize that someone else\u2019s pain is not their own\u2014now, toddlers can begin to develop the skill of comforting someone else. This is generally the point where babies begin to diverge from one another: some babies become very sensitive toddlers, while others become less sensitive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Something that seems to have a big impact on which direction toddlers go in is how they get disciplined by their parents. Discipline that hinges on negative judgments of the offending child\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s naughty, you\u2019re bad, don\u2019t do that\u201d\u2014doesn\u2019t teach empathy, they teach punishment. Discipline that hinges on explaining how actions make other people feel\u2014\u201cWhen you hit her, you made her sad. See how she\u2019s crying?\u201d\u2014teaches empathy and builds a toddler\u2019s awareness of other people\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another influencing factor is how their parents and other people react to emotional distress. Toddlers who are yelled at to stop crying will learn that this is how we handle emotions\u2014we punish them. Toddlers who see their parents comforting people in emotional distress, allowing emotions to run their course, and discussing what these emotions are and how we can deal with them, will have a much more positive model of how to deal with emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listening With Empathy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Nonviolent Communication<\/em><\/a> by Marshall B. Rosenberg provides a helpful framework for maintaining an empathic presence when people express themselves. Just like in expressive communication, when we listen to others in a nonviolent way, we focus on four things: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Keep in mind that people are always expressing their feelings and needs when they communicate. Focus on listening for those feelings and needs, even when they\u2019re expressed indirectly. For example, if someone says, \u201cI hate my job,\u201d they may really be trying to say, \u201cI feel empty at work because I need recognition when I do a good job.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paraphrasing With Questions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When you focus on someone\u2019s feelings and needs, be careful not to take your own interpretations of their words as fact. Instead, check in frequently to make sure you understand exactly what they\u2019re saying. This prevents miscommunications from spiraling out of control and gives the other person a chance to make sure they\u2019re being heard correctly (which ultimately saves everyone time and struggle). To do this, try paraphrasing <\/strong>the feelings and needs you hear in the form of a question. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To illustrate this, let\u2019s look at an example based on a real-life married couple who attended a workshop on NVC techniques. When the husband told his wife, \u201cYou never listen,\u201d Rosenberg challenged her to listen for the feelings and needs behind the statement and respond with empathy. Here were her first few attempts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n