{"id":107322,"date":"2023-07-03T17:04:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-03T21:04:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=107322"},"modified":"2023-07-06T09:24:00","modified_gmt":"2023-07-06T13:24:00","slug":"how-to-overcome-social-anxiety-and-shyness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-overcome-social-anxiety-and-shyness\/","title":{"rendered":"Get Out There: How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you feel uneasy about attending social events? Do you lack confidence when talking to people outside of your social circle?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s easy to think that you need to change something about yourself before you can boldly meet new people. But, communication experts say that the solution entails looking outward at others rather than inward at yourself. Also, some strategic preparation can go a long way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading to learn how to overcome social anxiety<\/a> and shyness by focusing on others<\/a> and coming prepared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Key to Conversing Confidently<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Many people feel socially anxious and hold back from approaching new people because they believe they\u2019re not good<\/em> at talking to others. Communication experts have this advice for how to overcome social anxiety and shyness: The first step is to recognize what makes people want<\/em> to interact with you. They agree that the only thing you need to be good at when meeting new people is making them feel good about themselves<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People want to feel liked:<\/strong> In How to Talk to Anyone<\/em><\/a>, communications expert Leil Lowndes argues that the need to be liked governs all social interactions<\/a>. When people are unsure about whether you like them, they feel self-conscious. This makes them feel uncomfortable and they struggle to engage with you. On the other hand, when they\u2019re sure that you like them, they feel at ease around you and enjoy your company\u2014they like you because you make it easy for them to feel good about themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People want to feel interesting:<\/strong> Self-proclaimed \u201crecovering awkward person\u201d Vanessa Van Edwards (Captivate<\/em><\/a>) explains: When you\u2019re genuinely interested in other people, they find you interesting too<\/strong><\/a> because of the \u201creciprocity effect,\u201d a phenomenon where we like being with people who clearly like us, and we mirror the positive behavior they display toward us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People want to feel important: <\/strong>Meanwhile, best-selling self-help author Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em><\/a>) theorizes that more than anything else, the thing people want from their social lives is to feel important<\/em><\/a>. In his eyes, people need feelings of \u201cimportance\u201d as much as food or sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To sum up, if you make people feel liked, interesting, and important, they\u2019ll like you and enjoy engaging with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Plan Your Approach<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll feel more confident about interacting with new people if you plan your approach <\/strong>before<\/em><\/strong> you attend social events<\/strong>. This involves being intentional about who you want to meet, where you want to meet them, and what you want to say to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who Do You Want to Meet?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re more likely to make others feel good and engage in confident conversations if you talk to people that make <\/strong>you<\/em><\/strong> feel good. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Van Edwards suggests that you can identify such people by thinking about those currently in your life who value and support you<\/a>, so you can be on the lookout for people with similar characteristics. These might be people who eagerly help you achieve your personal and professional goals<\/a>, who you feel comfortable reaching out to in a time of crisis, or who simply make you feel good about yourself<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once you have an idea of the type of people who make you feel good, consider what types of situations you’re likely to find them in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where Do You Want to Meet Them?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re more likely to make others feel good and engage in confident conversations if you attend events where you feel happy and comfortable. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Van Edwards recommends that you make a list of all the settings you love, loathe, and feel OK about<\/a>, then accept invitations in places you love, reject ones in places you loathe, and take time to consider the ones that are in the locations you feel OK in. For example, do you find bars loud and overwhelming? If so, it\u2019s probably best to avoid them since you\u2019ll feel uncomfortable and have a hard time engaging with others. Do you love the feel of an intimate coffeehouse? If so, go there, because you\u2019ll feel in your element and will naturally project confidence that will attract others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, Lowndes warns that restricting yourself to specific situations and activities limits your ability to engage with people who have other interests. The more you try out or read about different activities, the easier you\u2019ll find it to communicate with a wider range of people<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Do You Want to Say to Them?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re more likely to make others feel good and engage in confident conversations if you prepare what to say in advance.<\/strong> This involves thinking about what kinds of topics you\u2019ll be expected to talk about, preparing questions that make it easy for people to engage with you, and coming up with compelling responses to common questions you\u2019ll likely be asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Method #1: Find Out Who\u2019ll Be There<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Before attending any event, find out who\u2019ll be there\u2014will it include people from a single profession or interest group? According to Lowndes, knowing what types of conversations you\u2019ll be expected to engage in will indicate what topics you should brush up on<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Method #2: Create a List of Thought-Provoking Questions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

In The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em><\/a>, speaker and communication expert Debra Fine suggests that you prepare specific questions about the person (or people) you want to meet, the event, or the situation<\/a>. Her examples of the kinds of questions you can prepare include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n