Would you like to have stronger friendships? What challenges should you be prepared for during this stage of your life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In The Good Life<\/em>, Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz define a good life as one that depends on good relationships. To help you live your best life<\/a> possible, they provide tips on how to improve your relationships<\/a> with your spouse, family, coworkers, and friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Read below for an overview of The Good Life<\/em> by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Many of us believe that our happiness depends on how successful we are in our careers. But, in The Good Life<\/em>, Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz argue that the key to a good life is to cultivate good relationships<\/strong>. They draw this conclusion from years of directing the Harvard Study of Adult Development. (Waldinger is the study\u2019s current director, while Schulz is the study\u2019s co-director.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Harvard Study is the world\u2019s longest-running longitudinal research study on how adults develop. The study originated in 1938, when two independent groups of researchers who wanted to know what makes people successful recruited two groups of study participants: 268 male students at Harvard College and 456 boys from inner-city Boston. Over the years, the study expanded greatly in scope and now includes over 2,000 people\u2014including the spouses and descendants of the original participants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The Harvard Study is unique not just for its length and scope but also its methodology. Unlike most longitudinal studies, which ask participants to remember what happened in their lives and so are susceptible to the fallibility of memory, the Harvard Study learns about the participants\u2019 lives as they are now<\/em>. The research team does so by sending participants detailed questionnaires every two years, reviewing health records every five years, and interviewing participants in person every 15 years. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As a result, the Harvard Study has a rich trove of data that led Waldinger and Schulz to conclude that relationships are essential to a good life. This conclusion is supported by several other studies that include more diverse groups of people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing that relationships help you achieve a good life isn\u2019t helpful unless you understand what a good life is. In this section, we\u2019ll explore what constitutes a good life, how it helps us, and why we\u2019re so bad at doing what\u2019s necessary to live it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz argue that a good life consists of what Greek philosopher Aristotle called <\/strong>eudaimonia<\/em><\/strong> and what scholars today call \u201ceudaimonic happiness.<\/strong>\u201d Eudaimonia represents a sort of flourishing, and it\u2019s neither a temporary state of being nor a goal you can achieve. Rather, eudaimonia is a long-term sense of contentment or purpose\u2014the concept you\u2019re referring to when you say, \u201cI\u2019m happy with my life.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz specify that this good life\u2014this eudaimonic happiness\u2014depends mostly on the quality <\/em>(not the quantity) of your relationships and how often you interact with others. In other words, having many friends won\u2019t improve your life if they\u2019re all toxic. Positive relationships contribute to your happiness because they improve your health<\/a>; these relationships act as a buffer to life\u2019s many health-reducing stressors (such as old age). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Positive relationships also help prevent loneliness,<\/strong> the feeling you get when you have less social interaction than you desire. Waldinger and Schulz cite several surveys that indicate that people worldwide are increasingly lonely and that this loneliness negatively affects our mental and physical health. The authors suggest that loneliness is bad for us because it triggers a stress response<\/a> from our evolutionary history: Back when we relied on tribal communities for survival, being left alone often meant death\u2014loneliness kickstarted a stress response that helped us survive even without our tribe. But in the modern world, many people are chronically lonely and so under constant stress, which harms our mental and physical health. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that we\u2019ve discussed why relationships are central to happiness, we\u2019ll share Waldinger and Schulz\u2019s advice on understanding where you stand. In this section, we\u2019ll explore two frameworks for understanding your current relationships. First, we\u2019ll describe the life stages<\/a> we all experience so you can better understand what you and others in your life might be going through. Then, we\u2019ll share how to evaluate the current state of your relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz divide human life into four main stages: adolescence, young adulthood, midlife, and late life<\/strong>. They argue that understanding these stages will help you better understand the challenges you\u2019re facing in your life and be more empathetic to people in different life stages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz explain that adolescence occurs between the ages of 12 and 19 and is characterized by a struggle to establish one\u2019s identity. Adolescents benefit greatly from having supportive adults in their lives, as these adults serve as exemplars of different lives one might live. However, adolescents themselves tend to prioritize relationships with their peers as they navigate friendships and start to have intimate, romantic relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After adolescence comes young adulthood, which tends to occur between the ages of 20 and 40. Waldinger and Schulz write that young adults tend to experience a lot of stress as they struggle to find their footing in their careers and possibly create new families. Young adults need to be careful not to overwork themselves and neglect other people in their lives, such as their friends or their parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Midlife usually occurs between the ages of 41 and 65. Waldinger and Schulz assert that midlife can seem<\/em> stable to the point of being boring, as people in midlife usually have established careers and families. But people in midlife are often plagued by the thought that they haven\u2019t done enough with their lives<\/strong>\u2014even though their lives are half over. Getting beyond this concern requires that people in midlife reach the \u201cgenerativity\u201d stage, which is characterized by a focus on making a positive impact on others<\/em> rather than a focus on improving one\u2019s own life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, late life usually begins after the age of 66. Waldinger and Schulz explain that people in this stage are often preoccupied with how well they\u2019ve lived, how well they can live the remainder of their lives, and the legacy they\u2019ll leave. People in this stage tend to be happy, as they\u2019ve gained the perspective necessary to prioritize what matters and ignore small stressors that don\u2019t. But they must make an effort to maintain relationships that may naturally dissipate as they stop doing certain activities like working. They must also learn to accept any help they may need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that we\u2019ve shared how the life stage you\u2019re in affects your relationships, we\u2019ll discuss Waldinger and Schulz\u2019s methodology for evaluating your \u201csocial fitness\u201d\u2014the current health of your relationships. The authors argue that understanding how often you see people <\/strong>now <\/em><\/strong>and how those people add to or subtract from your life will motivate you<\/strong> to make any necessary changes to your social life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz recommend that you begin by listing the people who make up your social circle. This likely will include people you love, such as your friends and family, even if you don\u2019t see them as often as you\u2019d like. But it will also likely include people you see regularly but aren\u2019t particularly close to\u2014such as the bartender at your local pub\u2014or even people you actively dislike\u2014such as that in-law you can\u2019t stand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Next, Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you review both how often <\/em>you see each person in your life and how each one makes you feel. Does being in this person\u2019s company refresh and uplift you, or does it drain and depress you? If it\u2019s the latter, is there any particular reason why, and is there something you can do about it? Are you happy with how often you see each person, or would you like to see more or less of them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Third, Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you review the specific benefits you receive from each relationship. Some people provide love and sex, while others provide assistance when you\u2019re struggling\u2014such as when you don\u2019t know what job to take. Some people help you feel safe, while others push you outside your comfort zone. There are some people you can talk about anything with and others you can rely on because they\u2019re so familiar to you. Keep in mind that some people will provide multiple benefits, but several of them won\u2019t provide all <\/em>of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that we\u2019ve shared Waldinger and Schulz\u2019s tips for understanding the current health of your relationships, we\u2019ll discuss their tips for improvement. In this section, we\u2019ll share two things you can do to improve any relationship: Pay better attention and replace bad habits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz assert that paying better attention to your relationships <\/strong>can help you improve them. In the modern world, our brains have grown accustomed to constant distraction from our devices. As a result, we struggle to maintain our focus on a single thing\u2014including whoever we\u2019re spending time with. This lack of engagement hampers our ability to connect with others<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So how can you pay better attention to the people you\u2019re with? Waldinger and Schulz recommend that you improve your ability to be present in general (and therefore, present with others) by practicing mindfulness<\/a>. <\/strong>To do so, make it a point in your daily life to spend some time noticing <\/em>things that haven\u2019t captured your attention before in places you frequent\u2014perhaps the breeze in your office. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz add that you can apply this practice in your relationships: When speaking with someone, ask yourself what you might<\/strong> not<\/em><\/strong> be noticing <\/strong>and use that gap to guide your conversation. For example, if a friend is unusually upset about your tardiness, probe a bit deeper\u2014perhaps your chronic lateness is getting on their nerves, or they\u2019re upset because they fought with their mother. Studies indicate that the act of intentionally trying to empathize and connect with others can improve your relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you minimize the potential damage of your screen use. <\/strong>When using social media, prioritize communicating over browsing; the latter can make you feel worse about your own life because you\u2019re comparing your reality to the highlights that others post online. If you notice that your screen time negatively affects your mood, decrease the time you spend on your devices. Ask the people closest to you<\/a> whether your screen time bothers them; if so, reevaluate it. Finally, create pockets of time when you don\u2019t check your devices at all so you can focus fully on those who matter most and also evaluate how you <\/em>feel when you take a break from screens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz say that you can also improve your relationships by replacing bad relationship habits<\/a>. <\/strong>They explain that most of us have bad relationship habits; namely, we default to a particular pattern of behavior, or \u201ccoping style,\u201d whenever we feel strain. Unfortunately, these defaults can harm us and our relationships; for example, the authors\u2019 research suggests that if you tend to distance yourself from your problems, you won\u2019t be as happy as someone who confronts their problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The default pattern, or habit, that you fall into may seem immutable and out of your control. But Waldinger and Schulz explain that in reality, how you handle a particular situation involves a clear process over which you have some control. Whenever you face an external stressor<\/em>, you feel <\/em>some way about it and so you respond with a reaction. <\/em>For example, if your partner is late for your date (stressor), you may feel<\/em> neglected and react<\/em> coldly when they finally arrive. This process occurs so quickly that it feels automatic\u2014but if you can interrupt it and choose to behave in a way that strays from your default, you might be able to improve your relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that we\u2019ve discussed Waldinger and Schulz\u2019s strategies for improving your relationships in general, we\u2019ll discuss their strategies for improving specific types of relationships<\/a>. In this section, we\u2019ll discuss the unique characteristics and challenges of your relationships with your partner, your family, your colleagues, and your friends, and how to improve each type.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz assert that a positive and long-lasting relationship with a romantic partner can provide comfort to your life. Psychologists have found that adults who feel like they have a \u201csecure base\u201d\u2014someone they can rely on for comfort and support no matter what\u2014recover faster from stressful situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz name several techniques for improving your relationship with your partner. First, pay attention to and thank your partner for the little things they do. Doing so will improve your impression of them (because you\u2019re paying attention<\/a> to their positive qualities) and your partner\u2019s mood (because they\u2019ll be happy you noticed). Second, try new things together. You\u2019ll see your partner in a new light, which will increase your admiration of them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Third, practice sharing all <\/em>parts of yourself<\/a> with your partner\u2014even those you\u2019re afraid to. Waldinger and Schulz explain that in times of conflict, you may be tempted to hide your true feelings from your partner in an effort to protect yourself or to stop fighting. However, the authors assert that it\u2019s better to lean into your vulnerability. When both partners share their true selves with each other, their connection deepens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz assert that having a positive relationship with the family you grew up in heavily impacts your life. After all, you\u2019ve known these people your whole life, so they provide a type of support that you cannot find anywhere else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Waldinger and Schulz clarify that this doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that you had a happy childhood. The authors acknowledge that our childhoods dramatically impact our ability to maintain healthy relationships\u2014primarily because, as kids, we learn from our families how to handle our emotions. But, as the authors point out, we can also unlearn <\/em>the negative patterns our families taught us and replace them with healthier patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Waldinger and Schulz, a key step to unlearning these patterns is to be open to the possibility that people will surprise you<\/strong>. In both familial and non-familial relationships, doing this frees you up to perceive when people aren\u2019t <\/em>behaving as badly as you expect, which can help break down damaging assumptions you learned as a child. This openness is particularly helpful in familial relationships because it encourages us to notice and acknowledge when our family members have undergone personal growth\u2014something most of us struggle to recognize in people we\u2019ve known our whole lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, say your mother constantly criticized your dad when you were a kid. So as an adult, you develop a negative pattern of regularly criticizing the people you love. One day when you\u2019re grown, you notice that your father bought the wrong brand of milk. But instead of loudly criticizing him, your mother simply puts the milk away. You only noticed this small change because you were open to the possibility that your parents could<\/em> change. Not only do you reconsider your belief that your mother constantly criticizes her family, but you also reconsider how you behave when your husband messes up\u2014and the next time he does, you remember your mom\u2019s gesture and choose not to criticize him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another key to improving your relationships, according to Waldinger and Schulz, is to have regularly set family time<\/strong> to ensure that you continue to connect with each other despite how busy life<\/a> gets. If you\u2019re all living in the same place, the authors recommend instituting regular family meals. If not, having a regular video meeting can help maintain some connection, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz argue that having supportive relationships<\/a> with your coworkers can make a big positive difference in your life. The authors note that most people divide their lives into work and non-work time. But in reality, your happiness at work<\/a> has a big impact on the rest of your life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since people spend so much time at work, having social relationships with colleagues can prevent loneliness\u2014which, as we saw previously, can damage our health. If a work occurrence negatively affects your mood, that bad mood often remains even when you return home\u2014and so work events can damage your familial relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So Waldinger and Schulz suggest that you change your perspective<\/a> on your work relationships<\/a><\/strong>. Instead of avoiding possible connections with your coworkers, think about how you could develop relationships with or deepen existing relationships with your colleagues. Then, put those ideas into practice. For example, if you love books and notice that a colleague you don\u2019t know well is always reading, strike up a conversation about books with that person. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz acknowledge that sometimes, this is easier said than done. You may struggle to befriend coworkers if you work remotely. Alternatively, you may be reluctant to befriend people at a different managerial level because you don\u2019t want that hierarchy to potentially damage your personal relationship. However, the authors argue that developing relationships anyway will improve both your happiness and the quality of your work\u2014especially in the latter case, because the only way to develop mentor\/mentee relationships is to connect across the corporate hierarchy<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But what if it\u2019s too late to develop relationships with your coworkers? If you\u2019ve retired, Waldinger and Schulz propose that you seek out regular social connections and something that brings you fulfillment. <\/strong>The authors explain that many people find these connections and fulfillment at their jobs\u2014so when they retire and lose both, they struggle to adjust. Having a replacement source of both will help you maintain your happiness. For example, getting a volunteer position that utilizes your professional skills could help you feel fulfilled and bring more people into your life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Waldinger and Schulz say that many of us don\u2019t prioritize our friendships. They point out that while children value their friends, adults often neglect their friends in favor of more immediate concerns such as their family or their work. This is especially true if the relationship developed when both people were in the same phase of life but one has since moved on; for example, if one college friend is still struggling in her career while the other is financially successful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Waldinger and Schulz argue that neglecting our friendships is a mistake, as they\u2019re more important than most of us think. The authors point to several studies indicating that close friendships have a significant impact on both our physical and mental health. Notably, your friends improve how well you handle stressful events: Friends make difficult situations seem better than they are, and they reduce both how long and how strongly we feel these events\u2019 effects.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Good Life<\/em> by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Understanding the Good Life<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Know Where You Are in Life<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Understanding the Life Stages<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Evaluate Your Relationships<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Improve Your Relationships in General<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Pay Better Attention<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Replace Bad Habits<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Improve Specific Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Your Relationship With Your Partner<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Your Relationship With Your Family<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Your Relationship With Your Coworkers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Your Relationship With Your Friends<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n