{"id":106620,"date":"2023-06-27T11:48:00","date_gmt":"2023-06-27T15:48:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=106620"},"modified":"2023-06-29T12:58:23","modified_gmt":"2023-06-29T16:58:23","slug":"healthy-masculinity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-masculinity\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic vs. Healthy Masculinity: Subverting Damaging Views"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What\u2019s the difference between <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-toxic-masculinity-and-why-does-it-matter\/\">toxic masculinity<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-masculinity-2\/\">healthy masculinity<\/a>? What are ways men can emotionally express themselves without feeling emasculated?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Toxic masculinity describes men who believe domination, aggression, and homophobia are the standard definition of \u201cmanliness.\u201d On the other hand, a more positive and healthy definition of masculinity prioritizes self-growth and high emotional intelligence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Below we\u2019ll look at three ideas followers of toxic masculinity believe in, and combat it with healthy masculinity advice that men should support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-toxic-men-don-t-need-to-bond-with-other-men\"><strong>Toxic: Men Don\u2019t Need to Bond With Other Men<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>A common view of toxic masculinity is that men don\u2019t need a profound friendship with another man, let alone a romantic relationship with one. According to Stefan Aarnio\u2019s book <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/hard-times-create-strong-men\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Hard Times Create Strong Men<\/em><\/a>, having a relationship with another man is unmanly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Aarnio explains that the modern-day expression of homosexuality is unmanly because it harms women. In Roman times, they had what Aarnio calls \u201cfunctioning homosexuality\u201d: Older Roman men openly had sexual relationships with younger men. But that younger man was still expected to marry and have children with his wife. When he did so, he was expected to stop having sexual relations with the man he\u2019d been seeing, but he was culturally free to develop a different relationship with a younger man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In contrast, modern gay men date each other and exclude women from their relationships. Moreover, most of them don\u2019t raise children. This, according to Aarnio, is \u201cnonfunctioning homosexuality\u201d because it allows men to shirk their manly duties of procreating with and taking care of women. Aarnio points out that if <em>every<\/em> man in a society practiced nonfunctioning homosexuality, that society would not survive. Therefore, Aarnio argues that it is morally wrong and therefore unmanly to choose another man as a life partner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Additionally, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-more-mr-nice-guy\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em><\/a> by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dr-robert-glover\/\">Robert Glover<\/a> says that due to an overall lack of positive male bonding\u2014likely due to an absent father figure\u2014toxic men<strong> <\/strong>aren\u2019t equipped to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">develop healthy relationships<\/a> with fellow men. They pride themselves on being the opposite of their fathers and other men: attentive (to women), accommodating, even-keeled, and patient. This causes them to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies the male community.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-healthy-male-bonding-is-important-for-men\"><strong>Healthy: Male Bonding Is Important for Men<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Alternately, exhibiting traits of healthy masculinity means accepting that homosexual relationships are normal, and pushing out the homophobic views that are toxic and harmful. Men can be with other men, and the goal of romantic relationships isn\u2019t to just procreate. When men become open to the idea that LGBTQ+ relationships are acceptable and should be celebrated, they open their minds to different worldviews and perspectives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-more-mr-nice-guy\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em><\/a> also stresses that <strong>when men develop close <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/male-friendships\/\">male friendships<\/a>, they reap the rewards and support of community. <\/strong>How do you connect with other men? Glover says to make plans and hang out! You and the guys can do anything you want, such as:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Casual hangouts (movie or game nights, potlucks, bonfires, just relax)<\/li><li>Attending events (sports, concerts, discussion groups)<\/li><li>Being exercise buddies or starting a team<\/li><li>Spending <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-benefits-of-time-in-nature\/\">time in nature<\/a> (camping, hiking, fishing, road trips)<\/li><li>Volunteering together<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>When a toxic man has no friends of his own, he becomes dependent on his partner for 100% of his emotional and social needs. But <strong>friends help meet these needs<\/strong>. Glover noticed toxic men are less likely to smother, resent, or manipulate their partners when they can turn to friends for additional support.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-find-positive-male-role-models\"><strong>Find Positive Male Role Models<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To combat old negative assumptions about men, Glover emphasizes <strong>men must seek out new, healthy masculinity <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-role-models\/\">role models<\/a>.<\/strong> When they observe healthy masculinity in action, men integrate these positive associations into their conception of manhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your role models can be anyone\u2014a coworker, world leader, old friend, or admired community member. Glover suggests you <strong>identify the positive, healthy masculine traits you would like to embrace, then find men who embody them.<\/strong> And these men don\u2019t need to be real\u2014there are plenty of fictional characters that exemplify the traits of healthy, functioning men.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-toxic-masculinity-is-threatened-by-feminism\"><strong>Toxic: Masculinity Is Threatened by Feminism<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Another view that toxic men have is that the feminist movement is threatening to overpower men. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-rational-male\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Rational Male<\/em><\/a> by Rollo Tomassi says for women to successfully execute their sexual strategy, men must sacrifice theirs: They must settle down with one woman instead of \u201cplaying the field.\u201d Therefore, the ultimate aim of the feminine agenda is to<strong> keep women in a position of power <\/strong>so they can manipulate men into prioritizing women\u2019s needs and sexual strategy over their own.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Tomassi writes that women must constantly assess the qualifications of the men around them to ensure they\u2019ve got the best protector and provider they can possibly attract. To guarantee they are positioned to constantly assess men, women <strong>promulgated a narrative\u2014through the women\u2019s rights movement\u2014that women\u2019s needs and wants take precedence over men\u2019s<\/strong>. This is why, Tomassi argues, we take for granted that \u201cwomen come first\u201d and expect men to set aside or suppress their personal ambitions, needs, and desires.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Now that this \u201cwomen first\u201d narrative has taken hold of our culture, Tomassi explains, <strong>women are in the dominant position, which enables them to set the \u201crules\u201d for men\u2019s behavior<\/strong>. Men, consequently, are in the subservient position, relying on women to guide them on how they should think and act\u2014because, they\u2019ve learned, their role is to ensure the comfort, safety, and approval of the women around them. So, instead of following their own impulses and needs,<strong> men constantly compete with one another to impress and attract women<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>However, the rules set by these dominant women are always shifting.<\/strong> Depending on the circumstances, women expect men to be alternately strong, intimidating protectors; gentle, supportive partners; reliable, stable providers; and exciting, alluring studs. These shifting rules, says Tomassi, keep men off balance and disconnected from their value as a man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Tomassi says that women label any action or belief that threatens women\u2019s dominance as \u201cmale privilege.\u201d The lie of male privilege, says Tomassi, is designed to guilt men into sacrificing their interests to the further advantage of women. Men are always encouraged to \u201ccheck\u201d or give up their alleged privilege and to empower women\u2014sacrificing their interests in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>However, the truth is that women are in control<\/strong>. They shape the overarching narrative and social conventions in our culture, which all serve women\u2019s interests. This is why, Tomassi says, it\u2019s common practice to ridicule or attack anyone who makes a statement or action that challenges women\u2019s priority\u2014calling them sexist, juvenile, or out-of-touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-healthy-support-women-encourage-equality\"><strong>Healthy: Support Women &amp; Encourage Equality<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The narrative that male privilege doesn\u2019t exist and that the women\u2019s rights movement was created for control is purely false. This same narrative actually proves why it\u2019s incredibly hard for women to be in positions of power.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/lean-in\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Lean In<\/em><\/a> by Sheryl Sandberg points out, the more successful a man is, the greater his <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/likeability-charisma-charm-influence\/\">likeability<\/a>. The more successful a woman is, the worse her likeability. Why is this? Professional achievement is considered a \u201cmale\u201d attribute. If a man is high-achieving, it\u2019s normal. If a woman is highly successful, she is seen as pushy, unlikeable, and unfeminine. This reflects traditional gender stereotypes: males are providers, decisive, and driven. They\u2019re given positive reinforcement for these traits. Women are seen as caregivers, nurturing, and communal. They\u2019re given positive reinforcement for <em>these<\/em> traits.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When women break traditional gender stereotypes<\/strong> by displaying traits of professional achievements, such as being decisive and driven, <strong>they&#8217;re deemed \u201ctoo aggressive,\u201d<\/strong> \u201cnot a team player,\u201d and \u201cdifficult.\u201d If a woman focuses on getting the job done instead of pleasing others, she\u2019s acting like a man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Consider these examples of women leaders who had unsavory nicknames:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Margaret Thatcher was called \u201cAttila the Hen\u201d<\/li><li>Indira Gandhi was called \u201cthe old witch\u201d by Nixon<\/li><li>Angela Merkel is called \u201cthe iron frau\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Heidi violated our stereotypes; Howard lived up to our expectations. <strong>This bias is at the heart of why women are held back <\/strong><strong><em>and<\/em><\/strong><strong> why they hold themselves back.<\/strong> Men who practice healthy masculinity make sure they don\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the last 30 years, as imperfect as it is, women have made more strides in the workplace than the home, where lopsided gender roles still prevail. Data shows that when both spouses work full time, mom does 40% more childcare and 30% more housework than dad.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even the U.S. Census Bureau calls mothers the \u201cdesignated parent,\u201d while a father caring for his children is called a \u201cchild care arrangement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It doesn\u2019t have to be this way. With knowledge and effort, dads can contribute equally to the home and childcare so women can work their way to the top of the corporate ladder. True feminism means that women get the same opportunities as men do, and to do that, traditional roles must be challenged. <strong>True and equal partnership sets the stage for the next generation. <\/strong>The sooner we break the cycle of gender-specific patterns in the home, the faster we\u2019ll reach greater equality everywhere. Our goal is to model an equal division of labor for the next generation that doesn\u2019t fall for toxic masculinity standards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-toxic-men-should-be-promiscuous-women-shouldn-t\"><strong>Toxic: Men Should Be Promiscuous, Women Shouldn\u2019t&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The last toxic viewpoint we\u2019ll discuss is that men are praised for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-you-date-multiple-people\/\">dating multiple people<\/a> at once, while women are considered \u201cpromiscuous\u201d and \u201cunfaithful\u201d for doing the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-rational-male\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Rational Male<\/em><\/a> says that the <strong>best thing a guy can do to build their intrigue in the eyes of women is to have multiple sexual options<\/strong>. Tomassi advises men to unapologetically build up a roster of eligible sexual partners. Doing so will highlight men\u2019s sexual desirability\u2014in their own eyes and in the eyes of the women they date. Further, Tomassi says that a man with options is a man with power, which inevitably leads to confidence. A man without options will feel and act needy\u2014the opposite of what attracts women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Tomassi advises men to be forthcoming with their dating partners about being nonexclusive, or at least give the <em>impression<\/em> that they have many women clamoring for their attention. The same advice holds true for men in committed relationships: Tomassi says they must routinely hint to their female partners that other women find them attractive. Why is this so important? When a woman knows that other women desire her man, she sees him as more valuable and alluring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But on the flip side, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-unplugged-alpha\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Unplugged Alpha<\/em><\/a> warns against dating <strong>women who exhibit signs of promiscuous behavior<\/strong>, as promiscuous women aren\u2019t as able to have healthy, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/disadvantages-of-monogamy\/\">monogamous relationships<\/a>. Don\u2019t ask her how many sexual partners she\u2019s had, as she\u2019ll likely lie about her number. Instead, look at the company she keeps and her behavior. If her close acquaintances are promiscuous, she\u2019ll likely be promiscuous. She also may be promiscuous if she regularly goes clubbing, posts provocative pictures on social media, or has any men in her life in a social capacity (friends included): These are all ways that she advertises her sexual availability to men.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-healthy-promiscuous-behavior-isn-t-limited-by-gender\"><strong>Healthy: Promiscuous Behavior Isn\u2019t Limited by Gender<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The idea that men can be promiscuous but women can\u2019t is blatantly sexist. Only men benefit from these double standards, whereas women still have to adhere to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/traditional-gender-roles\/\">traditional gender roles<\/a> that are harmful. Healthy masculinity values state that when dating someone, both partners should be clear on what they want out of the relationship. If they both want to date other people, then there\u2019s no reason they shouldn\u2019t. If they both want to be exclusive, then neither person should see other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If anything, monogamy isn\u2019t natural for both men and women. According to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/sex-at-dawn\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Sex at Dawn<\/em><\/a> by Christopher Ryan And Cacilda Jeth\u00e1, monogamy is extremely rare in the natural world, occurring in just 3% of all mammals. Furthermore, among humans, adultery is a common occurrence in every culture around the world, even despite the brutal punishments that some societies inflict on adulterers. In Ryan and Jeth\u00e1\u2019s view, the only reason anyone would risk such punishment is to satisfy a deep evolutionary urge. The authors conclude that monogamy is thus not \u201cnatural\u201d at all, contrary to the standard narrative.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What should we do with this information? The authors assert that they\u2019re not out to promote any particular lifestyle or destroy monogamy as we know it\u2014they merely aim to present the facts and let the reader decide how to respond to them. As a starting point, they recommend questioning the cultural rules around monogamy and potentially exploring whether some version of consensual non-monogamy might be a better fit for your relationship. Again though, this shouldn\u2019t be acceptable for just men and not women. Women and men deserve an equal playing field in the dating game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-final-words\"><strong>Final Words<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The toxic concept of masculinity usually starts in childhood, with young boys being taught to \u201cman up\u201d or that \u201creal men don\u2019t cry.\u201d If you\u2019re still exhibiting these behaviors as an adult, just know it\u2019s never too late to learn and grow. Acknowledging your past behavior as disrespectful and hurtful is a step toward living a healthy masculine lifestyle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>What are some other ways we can redefine masculinity? Let us know in the comments below!<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What\u2019s the difference between toxic masculinity and healthy masculinity? What are ways men can emotionally express themselves without feeling emasculated? Toxic masculinity describes men who believe domination, aggression, and homophobia are the standard definition of \u201cmanliness.\u201d On the other hand, a more positive and healthy definition of masculinity prioritizes self-growth and high emotional intelligence. Below we\u2019ll look at three ideas followers of toxic masculinity believe in, and combat it with healthy masculinity advice that men should support.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":86972,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,43,24],"tags":[452],"class_list":["post-106620","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-self-improvement","category-society","tag-guides","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Toxic vs. Healthy Masculinity: Subverting Damaging Views - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Men shouldn&#039;t be afraid to embrace their masculine side. Learn the difference between toxic and healthy masculinity traits to do so.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-masculinity\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Toxic vs. Healthy Masculinity: Subverting Damaging Views\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Men shouldn&#039;t be afraid to embrace their masculine side. 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