{"id":106368,"date":"2023-07-03T09:51:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-03T13:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=106368"},"modified":"2023-07-05T12:48:07","modified_gmt":"2023-07-05T16:48:07","slug":"toxic-mother-daughter-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/toxic-mother-daughter-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Jennette McCurdy’s Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What does a toxic mother-daughter relationship look like? What kind of boundaries did Debra McCurdy cross with her daughter Jennette?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jennette McCurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died<\/em> describes the tumultuous relationship between her and her abusive mother, Debra. Jennette goes into detail about the types of abuse<\/a> she experienced from her mother, which mainly stemmed from a lack of boundaries between the two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn more about this toxic mother-daughter relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Lack of Emotional and Physical Boundaries Between Debra and McCurdy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

McCurdy and her mom are so close that there are few emotional or physical boundaries between them. When teenaged McCurdy finally starts to assert some independence<\/a> from her mom, Debra punishes her for it, showing the effects of this toxic mother-daughter relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Debra doesn\u2019t have many friends and, until McCurdy meets her co-star Miranda Cosgrove on iCarly<\/em>, McCurdy doesn\u2019t, either. When McCurdy is a young girl, Debra tells her repeatedly that she is her best friend and that she\u2019d rather have McCurdy than any man. It makes McCurdy feel special to be so close to her mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout McCurdy\u2019s childhood\u2014until she is 17\u2014Debra showers with her. Sometimes Debra showers with both McCurdy and her brother Scottie, who is 16. This makes McCurdy and her brother extremely uncomfortable. Debra says she has to shower with her because she was trained as a hairstylist and only she knows how to properly shampoo and condition McCurdy\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Although she doesn\u2019t say in the book how old she was when Debra made her shower with Scottie, McCurdy has said in interviews that she was 11<\/a>. While experts differ as to when parents should stop showering with their children, they agree that it\u2019s no longer appropriate to do so if the children don\u2019t want to<\/a>, whether it\u2019s because they feel uncomfortable or they simply want privacy. This often happens between the ages of three and eight years old<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During the showers, Debra performs breast and vaginal \u201cexams\u201d on McCurdy.<\/strong> She says this is to check for cancer. McCurdy dissociates from her body when this is happening and thinks hard about Disneyland to remove herself mentally from her present reality. When the \u201cexams\u201d are over, McCurdy feels immense relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After Debra\u2019s cancer comes back, she\u2019s in a wheelchair and unable to drive McCurdy to the set of her show. McCurdy is 18 but Debra didn\u2019t want her to learn to drive because she said her time would be better used doing other things, such as practicing lines. So she arranges for McCurdy to get her own apartment closer to the set. McCurdy is excited to finally be living on her own, but on her first night there, Debra invites herself over to spend the night\u2014and never leaves. She sleeps in McCurdy\u2019s bed with her; it\u2019s hard for McCurdy to sleep because Debra clings to her all night.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One day, McCurdy lies to Debra that she\u2019s having a sleepover with Miranda Cosgrove, whom she had grown close to, so she could spend the night with a man. Debra detects the lie and screams at McCurdy that she\u2019s a dirty whore, throwing a remote control at her<\/strong>. McCurdy goes on to have a relationship with the man, but she keeps it secret from her mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When McCurdy and her boyfriend go on vacation to Hawaii together, McCurdy tells her mom that she\u2019s with a gay friend (the only men Debra wants McCurdy to spend time with are Mormons and gay men). However, the paparazzi take photos of McCurdy and her boyfriend together. Upon seeing the shots in the news, Debra goes ballistic. She calls McCurdy about 100 times, leaving her voicemails, and sending her emails in which she tells McCurdy she\u2019s a slut, evil, and a monster<\/strong>, and she also goes into detail about the sex she imagines McCurdy and her boyfriend are having. Debra goes so far as to post a note to McCurdy\u2019s fan page about how awful she is. She accuses McCurdy of causing her cancer to come back and says that she and McCurdy\u2019s brothers all disown McCurdy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotional Abuse, Emotional Incest, and Sexual Abuse<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As previously discussed, narcissistic and emotionally immature parents engage in emotional abuse<\/a> of their children. This abuse can take many forms. In addition to manipulation, emotional outbursts, and shaming, emotional abuse can involve yelling and verbal aggression, constant criticism, isolation, passive aggression, excessive insults, and threats. Debra engages in many of these behaviors toward McCurdy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One particularly insidious form of emotional abuse is emotional incest<\/em><\/a>, sometimes also called emotional enmeshment or emotional parentification. Emotional incest occurs when a parent depends on a child to get their emotional needs met, treating the child like a surrogate spouse. The parent grooms the child to fulfill their needs and depends on the child for love and support, rather than the other way around. This creates a situation where there are very few boundaries between the parent and the child<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The relationship between Debra and McCurdy similarly lacks emotional\u2014or physical\u2014boundaries. Debra relies on McCurdy for her happiness and to fulfill her own dreams of becoming an actress. When McCurdy tries to assert her independence in any way (such as by living on her own, learning to drive, or dating someone), Debra thwarts or punishes her, sometimes violently. Debra physically imposes herself upon McCurdy and won\u2019t allow her to perform even basic functions of living\u2014showering and sleeping\u2014without Debra right next to her, invading her privacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s unclear whether Debra\u2019s behavior constitutes child sexual abuse<\/em><\/a>, as this crime is generally defined as a form of child abuse in which a child is abused for the sexual gratification of the adult. However, McCurdy\u2019s response to her mom\u2019s invasive breast and vaginal exams\u2014dissociating from her body and going somewhere else in her imagination\u2014mirrors the response children (and adults) typically have to sexual abuse. Children experiencing sex abuse are essentially trapped, so their brains resort to dissociation as a survival mechanism<\/a> to mentally \u201cescape\u201d the traumatic situation that would otherwise be unbearable. Regardless of the terminology used to describe Debra\u2019s behavior, McCurdy describes its effects as highly traumatic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What does a toxic mother-daughter relationship look like? What kind of boundaries did Debra McCurdy cross with her daughter Jennette? Jennette McCurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died describes the tumultuous relationship between her and her abusive mother, Debra. Jennette goes into detail about the types of abuse she experienced from her mother, which mainly stemmed from a lack of boundaries between the two. Keep reading to learn more about this toxic mother-daughter relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":1749,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,33],"tags":[1078],"class_list":["post-106368","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-people","tag-im-glad-my-mom-died","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nJennette McCurdy's Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationship - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Jennette McCurdy was forced to do uncomfortable things with her mother Debra. 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