{"id":104399,"date":"2023-06-03T15:24:00","date_gmt":"2023-06-03T19:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=104399"},"modified":"2023-06-07T12:27:31","modified_gmt":"2023-06-07T16:27:31","slug":"stop-seeking-external-validation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/stop-seeking-external-validation\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop Seeking External Validation! Here Are 3 Reasons Why"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you feel validated by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-criticism-2\/\">other people&#8217;s opinions<\/a> of you? Why should you stop <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation\/\">seeking external validation<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It&#8217;s normal to want to try other people&#8217;s styles and hobbies if it makes you feel good. But what you shouldn&#8217;t do is adopt other people&#8217;s values. You need to come up with values on your own that reflect your desires in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s why seeking <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation-from-others-3\/\">external validation<\/a> will ultimately lead to an unhappy life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-why-you-adopt-others-values-even-if-they-make-you-unhappy\"><strong>Why You Adopt Others\u2019 Values\u2014Even if They Make You Unhappy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Multiple experts suggest that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/101-essays-that-will-change-the-way-you-think#you-subconsciously-think-like-others-to-feel-happy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>the compulsion to adopt others\u2019 values as your own comes from the need for external validation<\/strong><\/a>. This need was conditioned in you early on in life when you likely found that conforming to the expectations of other people was the only way you could experience comfort and happiness:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>If you acted according to their desires and expectations, you were rewarded\u2014for example, with extra attention and affection. This made you feel comfortable and happy.&nbsp;<\/li><li>If you acted against their desires and expectations, you were punished\u2014for example, with rejection or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/social-humiliation\/\">social humiliation<\/a>. This made you feel uncomfortable and unhappy.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Maxwell Maltz (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/psycho-cybernetics\/1-page-summary\"><em>Psycho-Cybernetics<\/em><\/a>), your self-image and values have likely evolved since your childhood, which is why you should stop seeking external validation. However, until you consciously address the thoughts and beliefs that influenced you, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/psycho-cybernetics\/chapter-2#what-influences-your-self-image\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">they will continue to subconsciously inform your motivations and behaviors<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Letting the pursuit of external validation rule your life inevitably leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction.<\/strong> This is due to three reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Reason 1: You Pursue Unfulfilling Goals<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Neil Pasricha (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-equation\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Happiness Equation<\/em><\/a>), <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-equation#obstacle-2-seeking-approval-from-others\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>chasing external validation pushes you to act in ways that don\u2019t support what you <em>really<\/em> want<\/strong><\/a><strong>. <\/strong>Instead, you make decisions and set goals about how to look and behave, your career, and your possessions based on how you want others to react to you. This creates internal conflict for three reasons:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Different people have different perspectives and expectations. Your behaviors and goals can\u2019t please or impress everyone, so you won\u2019t always receive positive feedback.<\/li><li>Basing your happiness on external validation forces you to conform to what other people want instead of what <em>you<\/em> want\u2014because pleasing yourself won\u2019t always elicit the feedback you crave.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Your motivation to please or impress others forces you into constant comparison and competition. You strive to be more like people who receive the validation you want and set yourself <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/ambitious-goals\/\">ambitious goals<\/a> to outdo them.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Brianna Wiest (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-mountain-is-you\"><em>The Mountain Is You<\/em><\/a>) expands on this: Because your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation-from-others\/\">need for external validation<\/a> is so deeply ingrained in you, you fail to question why your achievements aren\u2019t making you happy. Instead, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/101-essays-that-will-change-the-way-you-think#you-rely-on-external-validation-to-feel-happy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you assume that you just haven\u2019t done enough to deserve happiness<\/a> and that you need to be, do, or acquire something <em>more<\/em>\u2014for example, by making yourself more attractive, acquiring more possessions, or achieving a higher status.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Reason 2: You Feel Powerless to Change<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-do-the-work\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>How to Do the Work<\/em><\/a>, holistic psychologist Nicole LePera argues that conforming to others\u2019 expectations in the hope of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-do-the-work#negative-effect-1-you-dont-know-how-to-recognize-and-fulfill-your-needs\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">receiving validation caused you to lose touch with who <em>you <\/em>really are and <em>your <\/em>true needs<\/a>. She explains that, like most people, you\u2019re likely not conscious of your impulse to seek external validation or the fact that your beliefs and behaviors are a reflection of your conditioning. <strong>Instead, you assume that your beliefs and behaviors are inherent and unchangeable parts of your identity. <\/strong>As a result, you live your life catering to the needs of this conditioned identity because you think that it <em>is<\/em> you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Meanwhile, your <em>true needs<\/em> remain neglected, unexpressed, and unfulfilled. When your true needs go unmet, you get the sense that something important is missing from your life\u2014which triggers negative feelings ranging from dissatisfaction to resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Wiest explains why you might feel powerless to overcome these negative feelings: Because you\u2019ve given external factors so much power over your happiness, you mistakenly assume that they are responsible<em> for<\/em> your happiness. In other words, you believe that your happiness is outside of your control, and therefore <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/101-essays-that-will-change-the-way-you-think#consequence-you-feel-powerless-to-change-your-emotions\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">feel powerless to take responsibility for how you think and feel<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Reason 3: You Suppress Your Emotions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Wiest, your conditioning inadvertently taught you to believe that some feelings are unacceptable or bad.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example, if you were punished for expressing disagreement as a child, you unconsciously associated the feeling of disagreement with punishment and labeled it as \u201cbad\u201d or \u201cwrong\u201d in your mind.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>As a result, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/101-essays-that-will-change-the-way-you-think#negative-habit-1-you-suppress-your-feelings\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">you feel ashamed each time these feelings come up<\/a>, pretend that you don\u2019t feel them, and try to avoid people and situations that might trigger them. You also judge other people who express these feelings as \u201cbad\u201d or \u201cwrong.\u201d However, these <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/suppressed-feelings\/\">suppressed feelings<\/a> continue to live on inside you, get stronger the more you try to deny them, and morph into irrational <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-break-negative-thought-patterns\/\">thought patterns<\/a> and emotional reactions that stifle your capacity to feel satisfied with your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example, your discomfort around feeling disagreement leads to unhealthy behaviors that fuel insecurities and resentment\u2014such as pretending to agree with others, agreeing to do things you don\u2019t want to do, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/criticism-of-others\/\">judging others<\/a> who do express their disagreement.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Tony Robbins (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/awaken-the-giant-within\/preview\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Awaken the Giant Within<\/em><\/a>) adds another negative effect of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/awaken-the-giant-within\/chapter-8#reject-disempowering-ways-of-addressing-your-emotions\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">suppressing your emotions and avoiding situations that risk triggering them: <\/a>You miss out on experiencing the <em>positive<\/em> emotions these situations might elicit. For example, if you\u2019ve suppressed your need for affection, you might avoid relationships or pretend not to need affection in a relationship. As a result, you miss out on positive experiences that spring from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/meaningful-relationships-ray-dalio\/\">meaningful relationships<\/a>, such as love and intimacy. This makes you feel lonely and increases your unfulfilled desire for affection\u2014and your shame for wanting it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you feel validated by other people&#8217;s opinions of you? Why should you stop seeking external validation? It&#8217;s normal to want to try other people&#8217;s styles and hobbies if it makes you feel good. But what you shouldn&#8217;t do is adopt other people&#8217;s values. You need to come up with values on your own that reflect your desires in life. Here&#8217;s why seeking external validation will ultimately lead to an unhappy life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":423,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,9,43],"tags":[1050],"class_list":["post-104399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-the-master-guides-living-your-best-life","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Stop Seeking External Validation! Here Are 3 Reasons Why - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You shouldn&#039;t live by other people&#039;s expectations of you. 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