{"id":102389,"date":"2023-05-18T13:32:47","date_gmt":"2023-05-18T17:32:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=102389"},"modified":"2023-05-23T13:38:33","modified_gmt":"2023-05-23T17:38:33","slug":"childhood-trauma-and-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/childhood-trauma-and-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Relationships in Adulthood"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What’s the connection between childhood trauma and relationships<\/a> in adulthood? How do your parents affect your love life in the future?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even when you’re out of the house, your parents strongly impact your adult relationships. This is the case especially if you suffered from childhood trauma and have yet to heal those wounds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn how childhood trauma affects adult relationships, according to David Richo’s book How to Be an Adult in Relationships<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Childhood Trauma and Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

According to Richo, the love you received from your parents as a child set the stage for your adult love life. <\/strong>If your parents always loved you mindfully, then you\u2019re set to become an emotionally mature adult: someone who knows how to give and receive<\/a> mindful love<\/a>. On the other hand, if your parents ever made you feel hurt or underloved, you sustained childhood wounds<\/a> that can hold you back from becoming emotionally mature. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Richo explains that this childhood trauma and relationships<\/a> are connected by your ability to love<\/a> mindfully in adulthood: You accept inadequate love, you expect your partner to fill a parental role, and\/or you\u2019re afraid of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Secure Attachment Forms\u2014Or Gets Damaged<\/strong>

The ability to love mindfully is more commonly recognized as a secure attachment style<\/em>: you find it relatively easy to trust, share, and connect with your partner.<\/a> According to attachment theorists, secure attachment develops when your parents make you feel like they\u2019re reliably there for you<\/a> by meeting most of your physical and emotional needs.

However, secure attachment isn\u2019t all<\/em> about how your parents loved you\u2014your attachment style can change over time<\/a>, as you have life experiences that impact the way you relate to people. For example, a toxic relationship can damage your sense of trust in your partner even if you had a secure attachment to your parents. Likewise, a loving partner might help you gain a sense of relationship security that your parents never gave you.\u00a0<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #1: You Accept Inadequate Love<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

First, if your parents gave you inadequate love, you\u2019re conditioned to accept inadequate love in adulthood, too.<\/strong> Richo says that you have physical memories of what love felt like in your body during childhood, and as an adult, you seek out partners who inspire the same feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if your parents often made you feel insecure about their love for you by frequently withdrawing from you emotionally, you\u2019ll seek a partner who makes you feel insecure or forces you to chase or earn their attention. Or, if your parents often made you feel disappointed\u2014for example, by promising to spend time with you but going to the bar instead\u2014you\u2019ll perceive constant disappointment as \u201cnormal\u201d in a romantic partnership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The tendency to accept inadequate love, or worse, is difficult to overcome, but it doesn\u2019t have to be permanent: While it\u2019s true that people who were abused as children are more likely to be victims of abuse as adults<\/a>, it\u2019s possible to end this cycle of abuse with the help of a therapist. Therapy can empower you to have healthier relationships going forward<\/a> by teaching you what healthy relationships<\/a> look like, improving your self-esteem and self-advocacy skills, and helping you heal from any previous relational trauma.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #2: You Want Your Partner to Fill a Parental Role<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Second, Richo says that when your childhood cravings for love go unfulfilled, you may grow up to seek out partners who you think will make up for your parents\u2019 shortcomings.<\/strong> For example, if your parents didn\u2019t engage with you enough, you might find yourself attracted to a person who pays you a lot of attention\u2014maybe even too much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Richo, this can lead to codependency\u2014an over-reliance on your partner to fulfill too many of your needs. Codependency can put undue stress on your relationship: Your partner can\u2019t <\/em>live up to your expectations or meet all your needs\u2014that is your<\/em> responsibility in adulthood. When your needs inevitably go unfulfilled, you may feel angry and create conflict with your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: According to psychologists, parent-child dynamics between partners are unhealthy because they lead to resentment<\/em>. If you\u2019re in the parent role, you may feel that your partner is incompetent and take on most of the responsibility in your relationship. As a result, you might come to resent your partner for not doing their fair share<\/a>. If you\u2019re in the child role, you inevitably give up some of your autonomy\u2014for example, if your partner buys all your clothes, you won\u2019t have as much of a say in what you wear. As a result, you might come to resent your partner for being too controlling<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consequence #3: You\u2019re Afraid of Intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Third, a lack of mindful love in your childhood can leave you feeling fearful of intimacy in adulthood.<\/strong> Since your parents\u2019 love caused you pain, you might be afraid that romantic love will have the same effect. Richo explains that a fear of intimacy usually takes one of two forms: attachment or distance:<\/p>\n\n\n\n