{"id":101817,"date":"2023-05-10T17:00:46","date_gmt":"2023-05-10T21:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=101817"},"modified":"2023-05-10T17:00:47","modified_gmt":"2023-05-10T21:00:47","slug":"communication-with-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/communication-with-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Communication With Children: Using Words to Love & Discipline"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you having trouble connecting with your child<\/a>? What\u2019s the best way to have effective communication with children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the most crucial parts of parenting is verbal and nonverbal communication<\/a>. Every parent has to talk to their kids to show them love and to discipline them, teaching them right from wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below we\u2019ve compiled advice for effective communication with children so important things don\u2019t get lost in translation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Expressing Love to Your Child<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

People express love in different ways, but children need to be told<\/em> they\u2019re loved. If they don\u2019t hear it, they won\u2019t believe it. Here, you\u2019ll learn how to show your kids they\u2019re cherished by delivering empowering praise, showing kindness, and communicating unconditional acceptance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Deliver Empowering Praise<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em><\/a>, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish explain that giving empowering praise is a great way to start effectively communicating with your children. They emphasize praise for several reasons. First, praising your child<\/a> is something proactive that parents can do at any time. Also, it ensures you\u2019re communicating not just about problems that need to be addressed but also about what you\u2019re proud of. Finally, it\u2019s a powerful way to encourage positive behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To deliver effective<\/em> praise, though, Faber and Mazlish say you must first understand what not<\/em> to do when delivering praise. As they learned from the child psychologist Haim Ginott, praise is like emotional medicine and should be administered carefully and intentionally. When your children ask you if their scribbled drawing is \u201cgood,\u201d you may reply, \u201cYes! It\u2019s great!\u201d But this kind of praise doesn\u2019t sound authentic to kids, because it\u2019s too vague and doesn\u2019t show that you\u2019re paying attention<\/a> and appreciating what they\u2019ve done<\/strong>, according to the authors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, here\u2019s what Faber and Mazlish recommend instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Use Descriptive Praise<\/strong> <\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The authors recommend descriptive praise to communicate with children, which means specifically and enthusiastically describing what you see<\/strong> in their drawing, such as the shapes and colors. Your children will appreciate that you\u2019re paying attention. Descriptive praise also makes children aware of their strengths and builds their self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if you compliment a child specifically for how neatly they made their bed or how imaginatively they completed a writing assignment, they might chime in, \u201cYeah! See how I folded down the top of the blanket? I was being really careful,\u201d or \u201cI really thought about what would happen if hippos went into space!\u201d When they understand what was praiseworthy about their actions, they\u2019ll be better able to repeat those actions in the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find a Positive Label<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

In addition to specifically describing the positives, Faber and Mazlish say you should give your child the language for the qualities you\u2019d like to see them develop<\/strong>. For example, notice when a child is trying hard to complete a task<\/a> and tell them they\u2019re really showing perseverance, determination, or working hard. If they stand by a friend who\u2019s being teased, tell them they showed friendship, loyalty, or courage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Faber and Mazlish explain that praising your children proactively shows children that you see their good points as well as their flaws. It makes them more receptive to you during more difficult times when they\u2019re experiencing negative emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Show Kindness to Your Child<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When we want to express love, the only place we can come from is one of kindness. According to The 5 Love Languages<\/em><\/a> by Gary Chapman, kindness means showing consideration, respect, and warmth toward others. Phrases that are amicable or show affection, such as \u201cYou\u2019re a loving person,\u201d \u201cYou bring so much joy to my life,\u201d or \u201cThe way you are is wonderful,\u201d go a long way in making your child feel special and respected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By its nature, love is a positive feeling. Love is not inherently cruel or mean.<\/strong> In fact, it\u2019s the opposite. Being kind through verbal communication is a tremendous way to give love to someone. Using kind language is a choice and must be sincere<\/a>. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tone Matters<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The tone of the words is as important as the words themselves. People pay more attention to tone than words, so the tone must match the sentiment<\/strong>. You can say, \u201cYou\u2019re great at drawing,\u201d but, if the tone is snarky or sarcastic, the words carry a different meaning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When said disingenuously, kind words can express contempt. When said sincerely, kind words express love. When you speak to communicate and heal, you\u2019re expressing love through your decision to approach your child with kindness<\/strong>. That effort is love and will be experienced as such. Likewise, when your child approaches you with kindness, understand that their choice to do so stems from love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communicate Unconditional Acceptance<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Unconditional Parenting<\/em><\/a> by Alfie Kohn emphasizes that unconditional parenting isn\u2019t about the message you think you\u2019re sending\u2014it\u2019s about the message the child is receiving. The fact that you <\/em>love your child unconditionally is less important than how they<\/em> feel. This doesn\u2019t mean that you see everything your child does as perfect\u2014but it does mean that, no matter what he does, your highest priority should always be creating an emotionally safe<\/a> environment. Body language<\/a>, facial expressions, and gestures are key here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kohn points out that parents who are good at communicating unconditional love and acceptance in normal circumstances often fall into situations of conflict, where it\u2019s more<\/em> important, not less, to make the child feel emotionally safe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disciplining Your Child Through Communication<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Discipline is one of the toughest things to get right as a parent. There\u2019s an abundance of advice online and in books about discipline that\u2019s sometimes contradictory. To minimize confusion, we\u2019ve searched high and low for the best tips for communicating with children when you\u2019re disciplining them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get Your Child\u2019s Perspective<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In The Explosive Child<\/em><\/a>, Ross Greene says that a common component of a child\u2019s outburst is a practical challenge: A child has trouble with something practical, like doing a specific task or following a specific rule.<\/strong> Communicating with children about practical challenges starts with talking about the cause of outbursts or conflicts. Your goal in these conversations is to understand your child\u2019s perspective on their actions. <\/strong>Greene acknowledges this isn\u2019t always an easy process\u2014kids often don\u2019t fully understand their own feelings, and they might resist talking about their behavior. But, by approaching your child openly and working with them, you\u2019ll eventually discover the causes of their outbursts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Greene offers two guidelines for communicating with children in these contexts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Ask Specific Questions<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Greene explains that your questioning throughout the discussion should focus on the specific circumstances behind practical challenges\u2014allowing you to change or avoid these circumstances later on, preventing outbursts. To do this, ask your child a lot of what, who, where, and when questions, like <\/strong>What is challenging or frustrating? Who makes you upset? Where and when do you tend to get upset? What were you thinking about in the moments leading to the outburst? For example, Liz\u2019s dad asks what<\/em> Liz doesn\u2019t like about getting up in the morning or when<\/em> she finds it easier or harder to get up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Practice Active Listening<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

While getting your child\u2019s perspective, you\u2019ll want to keep your child as open and communicative as possible so they feel comfortable talking with you. To this end, Greene suggests you actively listen to your child, making them the focus of the conversation. He offers several conversational dos and don\u2019ts for active listening:<\/p>\n\n\n\n