{"id":101473,"date":"2023-05-10T07:08:00","date_gmt":"2023-05-10T11:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=101473"},"modified":"2023-05-10T09:30:38","modified_gmt":"2023-05-10T13:30:38","slug":"123-magic-method","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/123-magic-method\/","title":{"rendered":"The 1-2-3 Magic Method for Disciplining Your Children"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How should you help kids redirect their behavior? How should children’s chores change as they get older? What are the benefits of sympathetic listening<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The 1-2-3 Magic Method distills discipline into two tasks\u2014stopping unwanted behavior and initiating productive behavior. This gives you more time and energy to cultivate a warm and loving relationship with your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to learn how Thomas W. Phelan’s 1-2-3 Magic Method might work for your family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Part 1<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The first part of the 1-2-3 Magic Method entails a counting strategy both to control your response to your kids\u2019 behavior and to train your kids to redirect when they misbehave. Here\u2019s how it works:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When kids start to misbehave, you say, \u201cThat\u2019s one.\u201d Then wait five seconds. If the child stops the behavior, you move on. However, if the behavior continues, the counting continues: \u201cThat\u2019s two.\u201d If the behavior continues after two strikes, your child is \u2018out.\u2019 They need to take a break for five minutes. So you say, \u201cThat\u2019s three, take five.\u201d \u2018Take five\u2019 represents a five-minute break where your child removes herself from the situation by going to a break area, and you both get a chance to calm down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An important part of the counting strategy is that you remain calm and emotionless and offer no further explanations about why your child\u2019s behavior is wrong; it\u2019s up to them to redirect their behavior. In the best-case scenario, you stop undesirable behavior with two words, \u201cThat\u2019s one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The counting method is simple. But there are several important points to remember for proper execution. Some situations call for a modification of the counting strategy<\/strong>.  You can also add time to the break for particularly egregious offenses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Timing is an important consideration during the counting strategy. <\/strong>All of the warnings need to happen within a reasonable window of time, say 10 to 15 minutes for a four-year-old, or two hours for a 12-year-old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The counting strategy should be predictable for children. <\/strong>It\u2019s important that you introduce the counting system to kids before you start implementing it so kids know what to expect. Once you\u2019ve committed to the counting system, consistency is key, so you should stick to it even in public or if you have company over. Additionally, the length of break time should feel consistent to children. If the child is over four years old, the break doesn\u2019t start until any tantrums are over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Break time can be substituted for other consequences<\/strong> such as the loss of a toy or privilege. However, it\u2019s important that the intention of the consequence is to teach, not to be cruel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your child does end up getting to three and needs to take a break, there are a few important details to remember. A break is similar to the classic idea of a time-out, but the execution, and thus the results, are different. Taking a break is meant to serve as a chance for everyone to regroup. Parents don\u2019t act emotionally when they send their children for a break, and kids don\u2019t have to be isolated. Additionally, kids aren\u2019t expected to come up with an explanation or apology while they\u2019re taking their break, and the slate is simply wiped clean when the break is over (no more talking about the incident).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Part 2<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Now that we\u2019ve discussed a strategy for getting kids to stop unwanted behaviors, we\u2019ll shift to the next aspect of the 1-2-3 Magic Method. It entails another common parenting battle: getting kids to do the things you need them to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Phelan notes that counting generally isn’t an effective strategy for getting kids to initiate tasks because the things we are asking kids to do <\/em>take longer and require more sustained attention and motivation than simply stopping unwanted behavior. Therefore, he suggests routines as an effective strategy for helping kids get things done. Setting up routines may take more time and effort on your part, just as completing the task takes more effort on your child\u2019s part. However, Phelan\u2019s routine-building tips foster self-sufficiency and responsibility in kids so that, over time, your role in tasks diminishes or, depending on the age of the child, disappears<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be sure to temper your expectations of toddlers and preschoolers. This age group isn\u2019t developmentally ready to follow through on lengthy and complex tasks without support. As kids get older (perhaps in the third or fourth grade) they become more capable of doing meaningful work<\/a> around the house. A good rule of thumb for how long you can expect a child to stay on task<\/a> is 10 minutes for a six-year-old, with an increase of roughly 10 minutes per year thereafter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few tools Phelan suggests to help get routines started:<\/p>\n\n\n\n