What’s the key to making relationships last? What are the eight dates you should go on with your partner?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While there’s no guarantee of happily ever after, the authors of the book Eight Dates<\/em> argue that there’s a secret to a healthy, long-lasting relationship\u2014make time for your partner and stay curious. They also explain why weekly dates are important for sustaining a strong relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading for our Eight Dates<\/em> book overview.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Eight Dates<\/a><\/em>, a book by couples John Gottman<\/a> and Julie Schwartz Gottman and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams is a resource for building a stronger relationship with your partner by committing to always learning about who they are and who they’re becoming, starting with eight powerful dates.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman are best known for their work as founders of The Gottman Institute<\/a>, a research and therapy center focused on strengthening relationships and preventing divorce. Their research inspired them to develop The Gottman Method<\/a>, a widely used approach to relationship counseling. The couple has written multiple books together, including The Love Prescription<\/em><\/a>, 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage<\/em><\/a>, and And Baby Makes Three<\/em><\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Rachel Carlton Abrams, a physician and the author of BodyWise<\/em><\/a>, is best known for her work in integrative women\u2019s health and sexuality. Her husband, Douglas Abrams, is an author, editor, and founder of the literacy agency Idea Architects<\/a>; he has co-authored several books with notable personalities, including The Book of Joy<\/em><\/a>, written in collaboration with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and The Book of Hope<\/em><\/a>, written with Jane Goodall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u27a1 This book is on our list of the best books on marriage. <\/em>See the full list.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n There’s no magic equation of compatibility that guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, the authors argue that there’s a tried and true way to make sure your relationship grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner<\/strong>, as individuals and as a couple. The authors argue that to support each other\u2019s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While there are many ways to learn about your partner, the authors advocate for the power of a weekly date night. They define a date as a designated time that you get together with your partner to connect, talk, and learn more about one another (watching Netflix on the couch together doesn\u2019t count).<\/p>\n\n\n\n When your life is busy with work, family, and daily logistics, date nights often feel like a luxury. According to the authors, the most common barriers couples cite are money, child care, and time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If money feels like a barrier, remember that date nights don\u2019t need to be expensive<\/strong>. The authors suggest getting creative and brainstorming<\/a> free and low-cost date options, like meeting up at a cafe, taking a walk in a park, or even snuggling up on the couch at home. You just need a place where you\u2019re able to focus on each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you have children, you can explore out-of-the-box and inexpensive child care options<\/strong>. For example, find a group of families willing to take turns babysitting each other\u2019s kids, ask a trusted friend or family member to babysit, or just have a date night at home after the kids are in bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, the authors acknowledge that many people already feel like there aren\u2019t enough hours in the day. But the authors emphasize that people make time for the things that matter most to them<\/strong>. So if your relationship is on that list, they strongly suggest prioritizing a weekly date night no matter what. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve set aside time for date night, make sure you use this time to learn more about your partner<\/strong>. The authors argue that learning more about your partner will depend on your ability to listen effectively. The goal of listening should be to better understand the other person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are some strategies you can use to make sure you’re listening to learn<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pay attention.<\/strong> First, put away your phone and other distractions. Stay present in the conversation. Then fully listen to what your partner is saying without judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remain curious.<\/strong> If you don\u2019t understand<\/a> something, ask more questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reflect back what you hear your partner say.<\/strong> Repeating back what you hear lets your partner know that you understood them correctly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stay connected.<\/strong> If the conversation gets tense or challenging, find other ways to connect. Express empathy<\/a> for your partner\u2019s experience and stay connected with physical touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n After committing to make time to learn more about your partner on a weekly date night, where do you start and what should you talk about?<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors outline eight conversations that they say every couple must have; topics range from sex to finances to personal aspirations. These eight conversations won’t only lay a strong foundation for your relationship\u2014they\u2019ll also allow you to address common sources of conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors structure these conversations as eight possible dates, outlining the purpose of the date and offering suggestions on where to go and questions to guide the conversation. In the following sections, we\u2019ll explore the theme of each date, explain why it\u2019s important, and provide a few date ideas to spark inspiration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Trust is foundational to a long-lasting relationship. The authors define trust as the conviction that your partner values you and will be there to support you. The goal of this date is to understand your partner\u2019s beliefs about trust and discuss how you can deepen trust in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are a number of ways you can build\u2014or break\u2014trust in your relationship. The authors argue you can build trust by being vulnerable<\/a> with your partner, remaining faithful, addressing conflict<\/a>, offering compassion, and expressing gratitude for your partner. You break trust when you fail to show affection, follow through, tell the truth<\/a>, or be available when your partner needs you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The next date is about disagreements. The authors emphasize that disagreements in a relationship are normal<\/strong>. In fact, when you know how to manage disagreements effectively, it can even strengthen your relationship. The goal of this date is to learn how your partner manages disagreements and how you can manage disagreements more effectively as a couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors differentiate between two types of problems<\/a> that cause tension in a relationship. The first type of problem are those that can be resolved. These are often surface-level problems about what to eat for dinner or who should walk the dog. They\u2019re only about the topic at hand and don\u2019t hide any bigger underlying issues. The second type of problem are ones that will never be resolved (what the authors call \u201cperpetual problems\u201d). These problems are rooted in core differences between you and your partner based on your values or life experiences. Research has shown that most conflicts fall into this second category. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Regardless of the type of disagreement you\u2019re having, the key to a healthy relationship isn’t avoiding conflicts but resolving them effectively, meaning you approach each disagreement as an opportunity to increase your understanding of the other person\u2014not as an opportunity to win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors argue that a healthy sex life is important to the long-term health of your relationship<\/strong>. However, they emphasize that there isn’t one definition of a healthy sex life. It will look different for every couple, and it will look different at different points in your life. For example, you might have more sex when you first start dating or less sex if one partner is sick. In the end, a healthy sex life is whatever feels good for both you and your significant other. The goal of this date is to learn more about what turns your partner on and to discuss how to keep your relationship passionate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors explain that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation<\/strong>. Sex and intimacy<\/a> are particularly sensitive topics for most people, which is why a lot of couples don\u2019t talk regularly about their sex life or sexual desires. However, research suggests that couples that talk regularly about sex have better sex more often. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors offer a few tips for talking about sex with your partner<\/a>. First, make sure you\u2019re not <\/em>doing it right before, during, or after sex. Since it\u2019s a delicate topic, bringing it up in the moment is a recipe for disaster. Second, don\u2019t underestimate the power of humor. Sex doesn\u2019t have to be serious, so don\u2019t be afraid to bring some lightness to the conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Money is another frequent source of conflict in any relationship. <\/strong>The authors explain that having explicit conversations about your individual and collective finances will help you get to know your partner better and more effectively anticipate and navigate areas of conflict related to money. The goal of this date is to better understand your and your partner\u2019s relationship to money and discuss how to build a healthy financial future together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Our relationship to money is complex, often rooted in our upbringing and deeply held values<\/strong>. Therefore, conflicts around money are rarely about specific spending or saving habits\u2014they\u2019re more often about the emotional significance we attribute to those behaviors. The goal of this date is to dig into each partner\u2019s relationship to money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When beginning a conversation about your finances, start by asking questions to better understand what money means<\/a> to you and your partner. For example, money might mean stability and safety for one person, but it might mean freedom and spontaneity for another. Avoid making sweeping generalizations about your or your partner\u2019s relationship to money. It\u2019s unhelpful to categorize one person as the cheapskate and another as the spendthrift. The key is to find the balance between the joyful opportunities and the solid foundation money can provide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors argue that different visions and definitions of family can be a dealbreaker in a relationship<\/strong>. The goal of this date is to understand what family looks like for you and your partner. Every person defines family differently, so it\u2019s important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page before entering into a long-term commitment. Specifically, if you don’t have children, talk about whether you want to be parents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following prompt to guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you’re planning on having children, ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you aren’t planning on having kids, ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether or not children are in your definition of family, the authors argue that the most important relationship<\/a> should always be with your partner because the couple is the foundation of a family, and the other people in your life will be best<\/a> served if you prioritize that relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The next date is about playfulness. The authors believe that having fun<\/a> is key to a happy, thriving relationship<\/strong>. The goal of this date is to find out what you like to do for fun and what your partner likes to do for fun and to explore how you can have fun together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Humans are built to play. Play not only improves the mental health of individuals, but it strengthens relationships, building trust<\/a> and closeness between you and your partner. However, it\u2019s still common for people to sacrifice fun when they\u2019re faced with other responsibilities. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Use the following questions to guide your conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of the Book Eight Dates<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Secret to a Long and Loving Relationship: Never Stop Dating<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Prioritize Date Night<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Listen With Curiosity<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Eight Essential Conversations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Date One: Trust <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Date Two: Disagreements<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Date Three: Sex<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Date Four: Finances<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Date Five: Family<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Date Six: Play<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n