{"id":100469,"date":"2023-04-30T10:34:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-30T14:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=100469"},"modified":"2025-09-03T14:25:41","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:25:41","slug":"emotional-intelligence-in-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-intelligence-in-children\/","title":{"rendered":"The 4 Steps to Increase Emotional Intelligence in Children"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the key to preventing explosive outbursts? How can you improve emotional intelligence<\/a> in children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to The Explosive Child<\/em> by Ross Greene, discussing your child’s tantrums<\/a> is the best strategy for addressing long-term behavioral problems. This will help improve your child’s emotional intelligence so they can better understand how to manage their emotions in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We’ve outlined the four main steps of this strategy: prepare topics, gather information, share your perspective, and brainstorm solutions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of Shortform\u2019s guide to emotional intelligence<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step #1: Prepare Topics<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The best place to start to improve emotional intelligence in children is to prepare two lists, one for each component of an outburst:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) Practical Challenges<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Make a list of the specific tasks your child has trouble completing and the rules they have trouble following. Don\u2019t frame this in terms of their problem behaviors\u2014prevention requires focusing on what causes <\/em>outbursts, not on what happens during<\/em> outbursts. For example, Liz\u2019s parents would list \u201cHas trouble getting out of bed in the morning.\u201d They wouldn\u2019t <\/em>write down \u201cScreams at us when we tell her to get up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It can be difficult to deemphasize your child\u2019s problem behaviors, especially when those behaviors are hurtful to you. If you\u2019re struggling with this, try to avoid taking their behaviors personally<\/a>\u2014as previously discussed, children don\u2019t want<\/em> to disobey you and manipulate you into feeling a certain way. They\u2019re just having their own emotional struggles and lack the self-control to manage everything they say. Making the effort to stay objective and focus on just<\/em> their practical challenges now will pay off with fewer hurt feelings later on.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) Lacking Executive Skills<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Make a list of the executive skills your child might be lacking. Greene provides his own list<\/a> you can use as well. He frames these missing skills as \u201cdifficulties\u201d your child faces rather than as problems with their behavior. Note that you won\u2019t be using this list for discussion topics with your child\u2014it\u2019s just for your own reference to try and contextualize your child\u2019s outbursts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Noting your child\u2019s lacking executive skills can also help you understand the full scope of their struggles and how those struggles impact their development in different ways. Psychologists have been able to link struggles with executive functioning to anxiety<\/a>, depression<\/a>, and even physical health problems due to increased stress<\/a>. This makes it especially important that you not only accurately list your child\u2019s lacking executive skills, but that you also work to develop them over time\u2014which Greene\u2019s method is designed to do.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step #2: Get Your Child\u2019s Perspective<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve created your lists, Greene says you can discuss practical challenges with your child beginning with the ones that cause the most outbursts or conflicts. Your goal in these conversations is to understand your child\u2019s perspective on their practical challenges and outbursts. <\/strong>Greene acknowledges this isn\u2019t always an easy process\u2014kids often don\u2019t fully understand their own feelings, and they might resist talking about their behavior\u2014but by approaching your child openly and working with them, you\u2019ll eventually discover the causes of their outbursts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Greene offers two guidelines for conducting these discussions with your child:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) Ask Specific Questions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Greene explains that your questioning throughout the discussion should focus on the specific circumstances behind practical challenges\u2014allowing you to change or avoid these circumstances later on, preventing outbursts. To do this, ask your child a lot of what, who, where, and when questions, like: <\/strong>What is challenging or frustrating? Who makes you upset? Where and when do you tend to get upset? What were you thinking about in the moments leading to the outburst? For example, Liz\u2019s dad asks what<\/em> Liz doesn\u2019t like about getting up in the morning or when<\/em> she finds it easier or harder to get up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) Practice Active Listening<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

While getting your child\u2019s perspective, you\u2019ll want to keep your child as open and communicative as possible so they feel comfortable talking with you. To this end, Greene suggests you actively listen to your child, making them the focus of the conversation. He offers several conversational dos and don\u2019ts for active listening:<\/p>\n\n\n\n