{"id":100465,"date":"2023-05-01T10:16:00","date_gmt":"2023-05-01T14:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=100465"},"modified":"2026-01-22T22:31:29","modified_gmt":"2026-01-23T02:31:29","slug":"temper-tantrum-management","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/temper-tantrum-management\/","title":{"rendered":"Temper Tantrum Management: 3 Most Common Strategies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Have you given up on fixing your child&#8217;s behavioral problems? What are the best strategies for temper tantrum management?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting. If you feel like you&#8217;ve done everything you can but nothing is working, you need to check out these three strategies to manage outbursts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Below we&#8217;ll look at the pros and cons of three common strategies every parent should use to correct explosive behavior, according to <em>The Explosive Child<\/em> by Ross Greene.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-1-demand\"><strong>Strategy #1: Demand<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first temper tantrum management strategy Greene discusses is to make demands of your child using one-way communication\u2014<strong>you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-decisive\/\">make a decision<\/a> independent of your child and then expect them to obey.<\/strong> For example, Liz\u2019s parents tell her to get out of bed by 8 a.m. If she fails to complete this practical challenge, they don\u2019t give her dessert in the evening. These are both decisions Liz\u2019s parents made on her behalf.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-pros-of-demand\">Pros of \u201cDemand\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Greene says the strategy of making demands is often <strong>crucial in the heat of the moment when your child is putting themself or others in danger.<\/strong> For example, grabbing your child to keep them from running into traffic and demanding they stop is not only appropriate but necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: While a \u201cdemand\u201d style of parenting can help with safety in specific instances or in the short term, psychological research shows continued use of this parenting style can often cause <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/evolution-the-self\/201904\/the-rebellion-the-over-criticized-child\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">children to rebel against authority figures later on and engage in riskier behaviors<\/a>, making them less safe than they would otherwise be.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-cons-of-demand\">Cons of \u201cDemand\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>While the \u201cdemand\u201d strategy isn\u2019t inherently good or bad, explains Greene, it often doesn\u2019t work on explosive children in the long term. Remember, children have outbursts when they struggle to complete a practical challenge\u2014simply demanding they complete it <em>won\u2019t<\/em> address the real issue. However, it will often make them defensive or more frustrated if they lack the executive skills to communicate their difficulty or understand your perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: While Greene argues a \u201cdemand\u201d strategy of precise rules and punishments is often ineffective in the long term for dealing with explosive children, he doesn\u2019t offer a larger critique of this parenting style. However, some parenting experts\u2014notably, those associated with the \u201cgentle parenting\u201d movement, like Alfie Kohn (<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/unconditional-parenting\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Unconditional Parenting<\/em><\/a>)\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/unconditional-parenting#the-problems-with-conditional-parenting\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">view \u201cdemand\u201d styles of parenting as counterproductive and even harmful for <em>all<\/em> children<\/a>. According to Kohn, strict rules and punishments subconsciously teach children that their parents only love them if they behave. This makes children more likely to develop <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/consequences-of-low-self-esteem\/\">low self-esteem<\/a> and become depressed as they grow older.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-2-delay\"><strong>Strategy #2: Delay<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Another strategy for managing outbursts Greene discusses is to delay dealing with the issue. <strong>This isn\u2019t giving up on practical challenges, but rather prioritizing what you deal with and when<\/strong>. For example, Liz has trouble completing two practical challenges: getting out of bed in the morning and clearing her plate after eating. Her parents decide the former is more important, so they delay dealing with the latter to avoid extra outbursts and tension in the meantime.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-pros-of-delay\">Pros of \u201cDelay\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The \u201cdelay\u201d strategy is useful when you need to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/personal\/how-to-de-escalate\/\">de-escalate<\/a> an outburst in progress or when you just don\u2019t have the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-energy\/\">emotional energy<\/a> to address an issue. Don\u2019t feel like this strategy means giving up\u2014after all, your child was <em>already<\/em> failing to complete these practical challenges when you were still trying to enforce them. The delay strategy just means fewer outbursts and power struggles while you focus on bigger issues.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: If you\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/getting-overwhelmed\/\">feeling overwhelmed<\/a>, the delay strategy can also <a href=\"https:\/\/www.healthychildren.org\/English\/family-life\/family-dynamics\/Pages\/Feeling-Overwhelmed-with-Parenting-Demands.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">help you get a better perspective on the issues you\u2019re facing<\/a>. Often, our problems can seem much bigger in the moment than they do after only a few hours or days, so putting off a problem temporarily can allow you to come back to it once it seems more manageable.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-cons-of-delay\">Cons of \u201cDelay\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>This strategy doesn\u2019t work in the long term either<\/strong>\u2014your <em>ultimate<\/em> goal is for your child to be able to overcome all their practical challenges, and delaying on its own doesn\u2019t help with this.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Consistently delaying dealing with behavioral problems can also hamper your child\u2019s development and well-being. Psychological research shows that lax, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.verywellmind.com\/what-is-permissive-parenting-2794957\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">\u201cpermissive\u201d parents tend to have lower-achieving children with worse impulse control.<\/a> This is because, without structure or responsibilities, children never have to learn how to control themselves or manage their time.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-3-discuss\"><strong>Strategy #3: Discuss<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>So far, we\u2019ve seen two strategies that work as short-term solutions but fail to address long-term behavioral problems. To solve these long-term problems, Greene suggests a third strategy of <strong>working collaboratively with your child to determine what\u2019s triggering their outbursts and how to fix it. <\/strong>You accomplish this by discussing their outbursts in an attempt to understand their perspective, communicate your own perspective, and come up with a solution. (We discuss this process in detail in Part 3.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-pros-of-discuss\">Pros of \u201cDiscuss\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>This strategy is best for addressing your child\u2019s behavioral issues in the long term, <\/strong>explains Greene.<strong> <\/strong>By discovering the practical challenges and missing executive skills that lead to your child\u2019s outbursts, you can address them and prevent outbursts from happening altogether\u2014eliminating behavioral problems and helping your child complete their practical challenges.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-cons-of-discuss\">Cons of \u201cDiscuss\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Greene acknowledges this strategy often doesn\u2019t work when your child is already upset or having an outburst, as they won\u2019t be able to communicate while their emotions are heightened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>The Psychology of Discussing Outbursts<\/strong><br><br>To better understand the psychology behind the \u201cdiscuss\u201d method, we can look to the authors of <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Whole Brain Child<\/em><\/a>. They describe people\u2019s brains as having two main parts: <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-whole-brain-child\/chapter-3\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The \u201cupstairs\u201d brain is responsible for higher thinking and reasoning, and the \u201cdownstairs\u201d brain is responsible for primitive and impulsive responses.<\/a> Children, they explain, have stronger downstairs brains that can shut out their upstairs brains\u2014this is what causes them to have impulsive emotional reactions like outbursts. Parents therefore have to teach children how to integrate their upstairs and downstairs brains so they work together.&nbsp;<br><br>Discussing their behavioral problems allows them to do just that: Your child uses <em>upstairs<\/em> brain higher thinking to explain the <em>downstairs<\/em> brain emotional response that led to their outburst. Distinguishing between upstairs brain and downstairs brain thinking also helps explain why discussions don\u2019t work when your child is upset\u2014their downstairs brain is in control when their emotions are heightened, meaning they can\u2019t perform the upstairs brain task of speaking with you until they\u2019ve calmed down.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you given up on fixing your child&#8217;s behavioral problems? What are the best strategies for temper tantrum management? Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting. If you feel like you&#8217;ve done everything you can but nothing is working, you need to check out these three strategies to manage outbursts. Below we&#8217;ll look at the pros and cons of three common strategies every parent should use to correct explosive behavior, according to The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":18944,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,13,9],"tags":[993],"class_list":["post-100465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-the-explosive-child","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Temper Tantrum Management: 3 Most Common Strategies - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When tantrums are out of control, you need to consider our strategies for temper tantrum management. 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