{"id":2132,"date":"2025-12-08T12:39:00","date_gmt":"2025-12-08T08:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/?p=2132"},"modified":"2025-12-10T01:08:01","modified_gmt":"2025-12-09T21:08:01","slug":"how-to-de-escalate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/personal\/how-to-de-escalate\/","title":{"rendered":"How to De-Escalate Conflict\u2014and Avoid Escalation to Begin With"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Ever notice how a simple disagreement can suddenly turn into a full-blown fight? Understanding why arguments escalate\u2014and knowing how to stop them\u2014can save your relationships and your sanity. Conflict experts have identified specific patterns that heated conversations follow, along with techniques to keep things from spiraling out of control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to discover the science that explains how we lose our cool and learn five proven de-escalation strategies you can use right away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-yoast-seo-table-of-contents yoast-table-of-contents\"><h2>Table of Contents<\/h2><ul><li><a href=\"#h-avoid-escalation-by-understanding-it\" data-level=\"2\">Avoid Escalation by Understanding It<\/a><ul><li><a href=\"#h-triggers-that-lead-to-escalation\" data-level=\"3\">Triggers That Lead to Escalation<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-the-cool-down-stage\" data-level=\"3\">The Cool-Down Stage<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-5-de-escalation-strategies\" data-level=\"2\">5 De-Escalation Strategies<\/a><ul><li><a href=\"#h-strategy-1-read-the-other-person\" data-level=\"3\">Strategy #1: Read the Other Person<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-strategy-2-figure-out-what-s-happening\" data-level=\"3\">Strategy #2: Figure Out What\u2019s Happening<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-strategy-3-leave-your-ego-out-of-it\" data-level=\"3\">Strategy #3: Leave Your Ego Out of It<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-strategy-4-listen-actively-and-openly\" data-level=\"3\">Strategy #4: Listen Actively and Openly<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-strategy-5-be-persuasive-without-being-condescending\" data-level=\"3\">Strategy #5: Be Persuasive Without Being Condescending<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><a href=\"#h-explore-de-escalation-further\" data-level=\"2\">Explore De-Escalation Further<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-avoid-escalation-by-understanding-it\">Avoid Escalation by Understanding It<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>If you understand how arguments play out, you have a better handle on how to de-escalate them (and possibly even avoid escalation in the first place). In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-next-conversation\/preview\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>The Next Conversation<\/em><\/a>, Jefferson Fisher explains that<strong> arguments typically follow a predictable pattern with two stages: escalation and cool-down.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Escalation<strong> <\/strong>happens when an argument heats up. During this phase, your body treats the argument as a threat, and your emotions take over. Your fight-or-flight response activates, causing your body to release adrenaline, increase your heart rate, and reduce your ability to think clearly. As a result, people might become defensive, shout, or resort to personal attacks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-triggers-that-lead-to-escalation\">Triggers That Lead to Escalation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Fisher writes that knowing what makes arguments escalate can help you control them. Two types of triggers cause strong negative reactions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Physical triggers threaten your body.<\/strong> Someone standing too close, raising their voice, or making sudden movements can set you off.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Psychological triggers threaten your identity and relationships.<\/strong> These include fear of being rejected, having someone doubt your abilities, or worrying about losing important relationships.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Understanding triggers helps in two ways: First, you can catch yourself before you get emotional. Second, when someone else gets upset, you can ask yourself, \u201cWhat trigger did I just hit?\u201d instead of getting angry back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/triggers\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>Triggers<\/em><\/a>, Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter explain that a trigger is any stimulus you encounter that causes an automatic reaction. It\u2019s hard to control your reactions to triggers because your brain is wired to take the easy path, and negative reactions feel easier than positive ones. For example, when your coworker interrupts you for the third time in one day, snapping at them feels more natural and rewarding than taking a deep breath and responding calmly. Therefore, the authors recommend cultivating awareness in the moment to notice and interrupt your automatic responses to triggers, and they concur with much of Fisher\u2019s advice on how to do so, which we\u2019ll cover in the next tip.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-the-cool-down-stage\">The Cool-Down Stage<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Fisher explains that the second stage of arguments happens when people cool down\u2014for example, when someone walks away, when you reach an impasse, or when you and the other person reach a mutual understanding. During this stage, people feel emotionally and physically drained\u2014their heart rates slow, their breathing normalizes, and their rational thinking returns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table class=\"has-fixed-layout\"><tbody><tr><td><strong>Use Time-Outs Before Arguments Escalate<\/strong><br><br>While Fisher describes how arguments naturally cool down when someone walks away, relationship experts say that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/expansive-relationships\/202503\/why-couples-struggle-with-time-outs-from-conflict\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">deliberately taking time-outs<\/a> can prevent fights from escalating in the first place. For this to work, you must call a time-out early. Take a break as soon as you notice early warning signs such as a quick heartbeat, raised voices, or defensive body language, along with the triggers that Fisher mentions.<br><br>Then, during the break, actively work on calming yourself down. Therapists recommend techniques such as deep breathing, taking a walk, journaling, or meditation to help regulate your emotions. Simply sitting and stewing about the argument won\u2019t help you return to the conversation in a better state of mind.<br><br>When possible, you and the other person should agree on specific time-out rules beforehand. Decide together what words you\u2019ll use to call a time-out, how long the break will last, and most importantly, when you\u2019ll check back in to address the issue. Some people get anxious about unresolved conflicts, and this check-in commitment provides reassurance that the conversation will continue once everyone has calmed down.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-5-de-escalation-strategies\">5 De-Escalation Strategies<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>What should you do if you can\u2019t avoid escalation? Law enforcement trainer George Thompson argues that, in a high-pressure situation, it\u2019s most effective to act as if you\u2019re practicing judo. In other words, use the other person\u2019s energy to gently move them in the direction you want them to go. In his book <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/verbal-judo\/preview\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>Verbal Judo<\/em><\/a>, he shares several verbal de-escalation strategies to handle conflicts in your day-to-day life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-1-read-the-other-person\">Strategy #1: Read the Other Person<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Thompson derives his verbal de-escalation strategies from judo. In the same way that a judo practitioner responds to a physical attack with an awareness of their opponent\u2019s intentions, <strong>you can respond to a verbal confrontation by reading the other person and figuring out who they are and what they need from the encounter<\/strong>. In other words, you can use empathy to better understand other people and more easily resolve conflicts. To do this, Thompson writes that it\u2019s helpful to learn to recognize what kind of person you\u2019re dealing with. He contends that people fall into one of three categories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>First are people who tend to cooperate<\/strong> and like to avoid confrontation. Thompson explains that you probably won\u2019t have to use your skills in Verbal Judo when you encounter this sort of person. But he points out that the fact that someone cooperates with you doesn\u2019t mean you should neglect to treat them thoughtfully or respectfully.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Second are people<\/strong> <strong>who resist authority<\/strong>. They might push back on your requests, and Thompson explains that they tend to ask \u201cwhy?\u201d He explains that you should always give a genuine answer to this question: Answering \u201cwhy\u201d a particular course of action is best gives you a chance to explain how the solution you\u2019re proposing will help the other person. That makes them more likely to decide to cooperate with you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Third are people who<\/strong> <strong>present themselves as cooperative but really resent authority<\/strong>. Thompson explains that this person will often speak courteously in the moment and only later complain about you or try to seek revenge. It\u2019s hard to know when someone falls into this category because they aren\u2019t honest about their feelings. But once you\u2019ve recognized that someone is this kind of person, Thompson recommends being direct with them and allowing them to either voice their complaints or decline to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thompson explains that, <strong>once you determine what kind of person you\u2019re dealing with, you\u2019ll know how to handle the conversation<\/strong>. With people who tend to cooperate, all you need to do is propose a good solution, and they\u2019ll likely be happy to go along with you. With people who resist authority, you should focus on explaining what they\u2019ll gain by cooperating\u2014or what they\u2019ll lose by refusing\u2014to get them on board. And with people who act cooperative but feel resentful, you should ask them for their opinion: If they have something useful to contribute, they will\u2014and otherwise they\u2019ll just cooperate. The goal is to interact with each type of person effectively but respectfully, using what you know about their personality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-2-figure-out-what-s-happening\">Strategy #2: Figure Out What\u2019s Happening<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Another important Verbal Judo method is to <strong>take the time to analyze the situation<\/strong>\u2014whether it\u2019s a confrontation with a customer, an accusation from a friend, or an argument with your partner\u2014in much the same way that you worked to understand the person you\u2019re dealing with. You want to reach a resolution that satisfies everyone, and you can\u2019t do that until you understand the issue. Thompson advises following four steps to assess what\u2019s going on:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-step-1-step-outside-of-your-point-of-view\">Step 1: Step Outside of Your Point of View<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>The first step in determining what\u2019s happening is to <strong>consider the situation from your point of view and the other person\u2019s point of view<\/strong>. Thompson explains that there\u2019s the problem as you see it and the problem as the other person sees it, and you have to consider both when trying to identify a solution that will satisfy everyone. This may require you to exercise your skills in impartiality.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, imagine you\u2019re arguing with your partner over your finances. If they accuse you of overspending, you could respond by accusing them of being too stingy or of dismissing your needs\u2014or you could think about how purchases that you consider necessary might not seem as urgent to them. You\u2019re each looking at a different problem, and your joint task is figuring out how to solve both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-step-2-consider-the-other-person-s-history\">Step 2: Consider the Other Person\u2019s History<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>The second step in assessing the situation is to <strong>think about how the other person has ideas and a history that differ from yours<\/strong>. By pinpointing these differences, you can remind yourself that the other person isn\u2019t misinterpreting the facts: They simply don\u2019t approach the situation from the same place that you do.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, in the argument with your partner about your budget, it might help you to remind yourself that your partner grew up with a very different socioeconomic background than you did. Remembering what it was like for their family to have less money while growing up might make them more cautious with their spending now. Conversely, your family\u2019s more comfortable economic bracket probably contributes to your confidence in your savings and your comfort with spending more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-step-3-determine-what-s-in-your-way\">Step 3: Determine What\u2019s in Your Way<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>The third step in figuring out what\u2019s going on in a tense situation is <strong>identifying<\/strong> <strong>the obstacles blocking your path to a resolution<\/strong>. The other person might have beliefs or personality traits that keep them from agreeing to your ideas about solving the problem. Or they might be feeling strong emotions that will affect their decisions. Thompson writes that you can either find a way to step around these obstacles or directly address them. For example, you might learn that your partner feels that if you skip setting money aside for savings for a month, then you\u2019ll never catch up. Once you understand this belief, you can address it, perhaps by sharing your plan to contribute extra to your savings account when you get your bonus next month.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-step-4-show-that-you-care-about-the-other-person-nbsp\">Step 4: Show That You Care About the Other Person&nbsp;<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>The fourth step in ensuring you know what\u2019s happening is <strong>demonstrating that you understand the other person and that you\u2019re concerned about them and their well-being<\/strong>. Thompson explains that you should make it clear that you want to solve the problem in a way that\u2019s agreeable to both of you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, you can explain to your partner that you want a budget you\u2019re both comfortable with. You might apologize for not checking in with them about your planned purchase. And you might promise that next time, you\u2019ll have a conversation to ensure you\u2019re on the same page\u2014and you\u2019ll take the time to make the decision together if you\u2019re not.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-3-leave-your-ego-out-of-it\">Strategy #3: Leave Your Ego Out of It<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>After you\u2019ve figured out what kind of person you\u2019re dealing with and determined exactly what\u2019s happening, another Verbal Judo method is to <strong>approach conflicts as if they\u2019re impersonal, even when they feel very personal<\/strong>. Thompson explains that people can become antagonistic under stress. They might blame you, even if you didn\u2019t do anything wrong. But Thompson argues that it\u2019s not productive to let your feelings get hurt: It\u2019s more important to demonstrate that you understand the needs the other person is expressing (even if they aren\u2019t doing so in words) than to protect your ego.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Drawing on your ability to enter the <em>mushin <\/em>state of mind, you can stay calm even when emotions run high. Thompson recommends using two strategies to stay focused on solving the problem rather than protecting your ego:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-acknowledge-but-don-t-address-insults\">Acknowledge But Don\u2019t Address Insults<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>First, Thompson explains that <strong>you can make someone feel heard without engaging with personal attacks or insults<\/strong>. For example, if a customer yells at you and says that you and the company you work with are stupid, there\u2019s no need to refute those claims. Instead, you can just make it clear that you\u2019ve heard the complaint and then move toward a resolution with a statement like, \u201cI hear you, and I have an idea about how we can get this resolved for you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-mirror-their-feelings-back-to-them\">Mirror Their Feelings Back to Them<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, <strong>you can interrupt someone to state what you\u2019ve heard back to them<\/strong>, using the interruption to keep the conversation from spinning out of control and show that you\u2019re trying to understand how the other person sees things. For example, you could say to a friend who\u2019s upset, \u201cHang on, I want to make sure I\u2019ve got this straight. You\u2019re feeling like I don\u2019t appreciate you because you\u2019ve had to plan our recent get-togethers, right?\u201d Even though you feel that you <em>do<\/em> appreciate your friend\u2014and you might be tempted to remind them of all of the ways you\u2019ve shown your appreciation\u2014putting what they\u2019ve expressed into your own words shows them that you understand how they\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-4-listen-actively-and-openly\">Strategy #4: Listen Actively and Openly<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The next Verbal Judo method is <strong>to put as much effort into your listening as you do into your talking<\/strong>. Thompson advises using a technique called active listening. This kind of listening involves not only listening purposefully to the other person, but staying open to what they have to say and communicating (verbally and non-verbally) that you\u2019re understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thompson offers a few practical methods you can use to practice active listening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-ask-them-to-explain-nbsp\">Ask Them to Explain&nbsp;<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Going into a tense conversation, you might have some context to work with. But, <strong>when you need to know how someone is thinking or feeling, ask them<\/strong>! Thompson explains that active listening can involve asking open-ended questions about what\u2019s happening, what their opinions are, and how they\u2019d like the problem to be solved. As you listen, try to do so without jumping to conclusions or being influenced by preconceived notions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-ask-whether-you-re-understanding-correctly\">Ask Whether You\u2019re Understanding Correctly<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Active listening doesn\u2019t require intuiting what the other person means: <strong>When you state a person\u2019s complaint back to them, you can also ask if you\u2019re understanding correctly.<\/strong> This question gives you a practical way to ensure you know what\u2019s happening. And it clearly shows the other person that you\u2019re trying to understand them. This can help them dial things back: They\u2019ll still be frustrated or angry, but they\u2019ll be more likely to cooperate with you to resolve the argument or problem.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-make-it-obvious-that-you-re-listening\">Make It Obvious That You\u2019re Listening<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Another crucial part of active listening is letting<strong> the other person know you\u2019re really hearing them<\/strong>. Thompson argues that appearing to listen closely might be even more important than actually listening closely in de-escalating a tense situation. He recommends using your body language\u2014like making direct eye contact or nodding your head\u2014to show that you\u2019re listening. Or use phrases\u2014like \u201cI understand,\u201d \u201cThat makes sense,\u201d or \u201cI see\u201d\u2014to communicate that you\u2019re paying attention to what they\u2019re saying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-strategy-5-be-persuasive-without-being-condescending\">Strategy #5: Be Persuasive Without Being Condescending<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The final method for practicing Verbal Judo in your daily life is to <strong>pay close attention to the language you use<\/strong>. Thompson explains that even when it\u2019s your job as a professional (or as a parent) to get someone to cooperate with you, you can do that without using language that feels condescending to others.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thompson points out that most people don\u2019t respond positively to being told what to do. So, in many cases, just issuing instructions won\u2019t yield the results you want. If instead, you <strong>respect the other person\u2019s agency and acknowledge that their cooperation with you is a choice<\/strong>, you\u2019re more likely to get them to go along with what you\u2019d like them to do. Thompson has a five-step method for persuading someone to cooperate:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>The first step is to <strong>request that they do what you\u2019d like them to do<\/strong>. By clearly articulating what you want to happen, you\u2019re explaining your goal.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The second step is to <strong>explain the rationale for your request if the person hesitates to cooperate with you<\/strong>. Explaining \u201cwhy\u201d you\u2019re asking them to do something makes it easier for the other person to understand the rules or reasoning.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The third step\u2014if they still haven\u2019t been persuaded\u2014is to <strong>explain what will happen if they cooperate with you or if they don\u2019t<\/strong>. This acknowledges that they\u2019re making a choice and gives them the information they need to make it.&nbsp;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The fourth step\u2014if the other person still doesn\u2019t want to cooperate\u2014is to <strong>ask whether there\u2019s anything you can do to get them to cooperate<\/strong>. You\u2019re addressing the fact that they aren\u2019t going along with you, and giving them a chance to choose.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>The fifth step, if the other person still declines to go along with the solution you\u2019ve proposed, is to <strong>follow through and respond to their lack of cooperation in the way you said you would<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, imagine you need to ask your roommate to clean up the dishes they left in the kitchen sink. You could start by asking, \u201cHey, could you please wash the dishes?\u201d (Step 1). If they hesitate, you could explain, \u201cI\u2019ve left dishes in the sink before, and it attracts cockroaches\u201d (Step 2). If they still wave you off, you could say, \u201cIf we clean the kitchen when it needs to be cleaned, it\u2019ll be healthier and easier for all of us. If not, we\u2019ll need to create a cleaning schedule\u201d (Step 3). If they still just say they\u2019ll do the dishes later, you can ask, &#8220;Is there something I could do that might make tidying up easier for you?\u201d (Step 4). If there\u2019s still no action, follow through: \u201cLet\u2019s make that cleaning schedule, then\u201d (Step 5).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-explore-de-escalation-further\">Explore De-Escalation Further<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>To dig deeper into verbal de-escalation in the broader context of communication, read Shortform&#8217;s full guides to the books referenced in this article:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-next-conversation\/preview\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>The Next Conversation<\/em><\/a> by Jefferson Fisher<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/verbal-judo\/preview\" rel=\"nofollow\"><em>Verbal Judo<\/em><\/a> by George Thompson<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A small disagreement can suddenly turn into a full-blown fight. Learn what sets us off and five de-escalation strategies to diffuse conflict.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":2145,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personal"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to De-Escalate Conflict\u2014and Avoid Escalation to Begin With - Shortform Hub<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A small disagreement can suddenly turn into a full-blown fight. 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