Struggling with how to handle your child’s misbehavior without resorting to yelling or harsh punishments? You’re not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This guide draws on expert advice from psychotherapist Amy Morin (13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do<\/em>), parenting educators Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen<\/em>), neuroscientists Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson (No-Drama Discipline<\/em>), and author Alfie Kohn (Unconditional Parenting<\/em>). You’ll learn communication strategies that enlist your child’s cooperation, brain-based approaches that strengthen parent-child bonds, and why some traditional punishments might actually be making behavior worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Before we jump into whether or not disciplining children works, it\u2019s important to understand what discipline is. No matter how reasonable your expectations of your children are, there will be times when your child doesn\u2019t live up to them. That\u2019s when it\u2019s crucial to impose appropriate consequences, with emphasis on \u201cappropriate.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do<\/a><\/em>, psychotherapist Amy Morin says that mentally strong parents make sure those consequences discipline <\/em>their children instead of just punishing them. The key difference between punishment and discipline is that discipline teaches children how to do better, whereas punishment just makes them suffer. <\/strong>For example, if your child gets angry and yells at you, an appropriate consequence might be to send them to their room until they calm down\u2014this teaches them that they can walk away from upsetting situations instead of lashing out and making things worse. On the other hand, an unhelpful punishment might be to take away something that makes them happy, like their favorite toy; far from teaching your child how to handle their anger, this approach will just upset them even more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: We can illustrate this \u201cpunishment versus discipline\u201d principle by taking a look at the large body of research showing that rehabilitating criminals is much more effective than simply punishing them<\/a>. Studies have shown that prisoners who benefit from programs such as counseling and skills training are much less likely to reoffend<\/a> than those who don\u2019t have access to such programs. This is something of an extreme comparison\u2014Morin is discussing a misbehaving child, not a potentially dangerous criminal\u2014but it highlights the point that punishment alone is ineffective. That\u2019s why the author is urging you to, instead, find consequences that teach your child the skills they need to do better next time.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The author adds that effective discipline uses positive consequences (rewards) as well as negative ones. So, while you might have to send your child to their room for yelling at you, make sure to also praise them when they handle their anger more appropriately, such as by walking away to settle down.<\/strong> Some other appropriate rewards might include giving your child an allowance for doing their chores each week or giving them a piece of candy as a reward for a good grade on a test. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you know the difference between discipline and punishment, here\u2019s how to encourage positive behavior, according to Faber and Mazlish in <\/em>How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em>: Focus on getting the right behavior in the future, not punishing the child for past misdeeds<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Faber and Mazlish recommend redirecting children by enlisting them in a constructive activity. For example, if your children are grabbing toys at the store, ask them to help you shop for what you need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It may seem frustrating or repetitive to be continually explaining to a child why their behavior is problematic, but Faber and Mazlish recommend that you keep trying. Instead of criticizing the child, focus on the potential consequences of your child\u2019s actions. For example, if your children are playing tag on the sidewalk and not looking where they are going, don\u2019t label and punish them by saying, \u201cYou\u2019re being so naughty\u2014no treat for you today!\u201d Instead, explain that people and dogs might trip over them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Another way to encourage positive behavior is to make your child part of the solution rather than making them feel like they\u2019re the problem<\/strong>. Faber and Mazlish note that involving your child in brainstorming solutions can reassure them that you\u2019re a team, and that you\u2019re listening and taking their feelings into account. This approach isn\u2019t about convincing your child that you know best, and they should do what you say. It\u2019s about being open to solutions that your child suggests and trying to find a compromise. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Enlisting a child\u2019s help in finding a solution draws on many of the skills Faber and Mazlish teach\u2014giving reasons, giving choices, respecting your child\u2019s feelings, encouraging autonomy, not giving your children negative labels. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how Faber and Mazlish say you should put the skills together to encourage positive behavior: Sit down calmly with your child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in No-Drama Discipline<\/a><\/em>, drama-free discipline (or as the authors call it, “the No-Drama Discipline approach”) is a way to discipline children while also strengthening their growing brains. When children have consistent, loving discipline, their brains form new, positive connections that create a foundation for healthy relationships and mental well-being later on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This approach also reinforces the bond between parent and child, which makes kids feel safe\u2014and when they feel safe, they\u2019re able to focus their neurological resources on developing their growing brain, which will lead to better behavior in the long term. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors believe that you must understand how kids\u2019 brains are developing in order to discipline them effectively. Here are some important things to remember about children\u2019s growing brains. <\/p>\n\n\n\n First, different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions. (The authors refer to these different parts of the brain as the \u201cdownstairs brain\u201d and the \u201cupstairs brain,\u201d but for clarity, we\u2019ll call them the lower and upper parts of the brain.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n The lower part of the brain controls basic functions, like breathing, hunger, and strong primary emotions such as fear. This part of the brain is fully developed even in young children. In contrast, the upper part of the brain controls more complex functions like empathy, impulse control, emotional regulation, and critical thinking. Unlike the lower part of the brain, the upper part is not <\/em>fully developed in children; in fact, the upper brain doesn\u2019t completely mature until around age 25. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, according to Siegel and Bryson, the fact that kids\u2019 upper brains aren\u2019t developed yet means they\u2019re not yet capable of higher-level executive functions like seeing a situation from someone else\u2019s point of view. Parents need to keep this in mind when they set expectations for their children. For example, a four-year-old genuinely isn\u2019t capable of sitting quietly in church for an hour without something to distract her\u2014she hasn\u2019t developed impulse control (an upper brain function) yet, which means her brain hasn\u2019t yet learned to control her urges to talk, play, and move around. Her parents should set their expectations accordingly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to considering brain development, the authors recommend approaching discipline in a mindful way, rather than simply reacting on instinct (or blowing up). In practice, mindful discipline means approaching each situation with curiosity. When your child misbehaves, Siegel and Bryson recommend asking yourself these three questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why did my child do that?<\/strong> Usually, the answer has to do with emotions and goals. What emotion were they trying to express? What goal were they trying to accomplish? <\/p>\n\n\n\n What lesson do I want them to learn right now? <\/strong>This answer may vary depending on the answer to the first question. For example, if your child hit her brother because she was feeling jealous of him, you might want to teach her a healthier way to handle jealousy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n How should I deliver that lesson? <\/strong>This answer will also depend on the specifics of the situation. For example, if your daughter is two years old, she may be too young to really understand jealousy, so you may need to simplify how you deliver your lesson. On the other hand, older children can understand nuanced emotions, so you can talk with them about jealousy in more depth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors believe that the opposite of mindful discipline is parenting \u201con autopilot\u201d, or making decisions in the heat of the moment based on your habits and current emotions rather than a conscious plan. When parents are on autopilot, they often resort to two common punishments: time-outs and spanking. Siegel and Bryson argue that these methods are not only ineffectual in the moment, they can also hinder kids\u2019 healthy development in the long run. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Siegel and Bryson believe that, during a traditional time-out (in which parents send children to sit by themselves and think about what they\u2019ve done wrong), kids don\u2019t focus on their misbehavior\u2014they focus on their parents\u2019 negative reaction to it. This often escalates <\/em>kids\u2019 strong emotions rather than helping them calm down. (Shortform note: In addition to the authors\u2019 reasoning, there\u2019s another reason time-outs can escalate a conflict: They initiate a power struggle over whether the child will actually, physically stay in the time-out spot<\/a>. If the child keeps leaving the designated spot before they\u2019re supposed to, parents often escalate the situation by heaping new punishments on top of the original time out.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors believe that spanking, like time-outs, often escalates dramatic situations. That\u2019s because spanking makes children feel threatened, and feeling threatened engages the primitive parts of a child\u2019s brain rather than the more evolved parts responsible for higher-level thinking. When a child\u2019s primitive brain is engaged, it\u2019s almost impossible for her to think calmly about the experience, so she\u2019ll continue acting out. Worse, feeling threatened floods children\u2019s brains with stress hormones; over time, too much exposure to those stress hormones can have a serious negative impact on children\u2019s developing brains. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors acknowledge that mindful, brain-focused discipline is hard to do when your own lower brain is enraged\u2014as might happen, for instance, if you walk into the kitchen to discover your child painting a chocolate syrup masterpiece all over the floor. When that happens, Siegel and Bryson recommend holding off on discipline (other than immediate safety concerns) until both you and your child are calm, focused, and able to have a productive conversation. This might even mean waiting until the next day to talk after everyone has cooled down. Otherwise, you\u2019re likely to resort to autopilot responses like yelling or time-outs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Alfie Kohn in Unconditional Parenting<\/a>, <\/em>parents commonly use punishments (or the threat of punishments) to discourage behavior they see as problematic. Kohn\u2019s definition of punishments is broader than most common definitions: He includes isolation and the withdrawal of parental attention alongside physical punishments and temporarily not allowing a child to do something she enjoys.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A punishment is any deliberate attempt to make a child suffer following \u201cbad\u201d behavior. Punishments include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Physical punishments such as spanking<\/strong>, slapping, or handling a child roughly when they misbehave. These punishments are especially damaging because they teach children that it\u2019s okay to use violence to solve problems, which may be why they\u2019re also <\/strong>linked to aggressive behavior<\/strong><\/a>. Kohn notes that even in communities in which parents use spanking more (and in which parents are more likely to justify it with, \u201cIt didn\u2019t do any damage to me\u201d), children still show adverse outcomes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Many parents make the decision not to spank their children on philosophical and moral grounds. For those who want hard evidence one way or the other, the picture is extremely murky<\/a>. For example, aggression outcomes may be influenced by the child\u2019s gender<\/a>: One study found that 1-year-old male babies who were spanked are more likely to be bullies at age 3, while female babies who were spanked at the same age are less likely to be bullies. Some researchers even argue that Sweden\u2019s spanking ban, enacted in 1979, increased <\/em>crime, violent child abuse in particular, in subsequent decades<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Criticism. <\/strong>Kohn argues that criticizing kids is damaging to their self-esteem in the long run. He suggests that if you have <\/em>to criticize, try to do it as little as possible and always make sure the criticism is specific<\/strong> (for example, \u201cPulling the cat\u2019s tail hurts her\u201d rather than \u201cDon\u2019t hurt animals\u201d). (Shortform note: Research supports Kohn\u2019s warning about criticizing children. Criticism from parents can lead<\/a> <\/a>to depression in children<\/a>, and parents also typically underestimate how often they criticize their kids<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLove withdrawals,\u201d <\/strong>such as time-outs, ignoring the child, and briefly pulling back emotionally from the child. Kohn says that these are ways of inflicting emotional pain on the child <\/strong>and that they can be even more damaging than physical punishments<\/strong>. (Shortform note: Kohn\u2019s framing of these techniques as \u201clove withdrawals\u201d is one of his more controversial opinions. Though they\u2019re not recommended for very young children<\/a>, time-outs are still widely recommended as a disciplinary measure\u2014including by the CDC, which claims that they work not because children are afraid of losing love but because they hate to be bored<\/a>.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking away \u201cprivileges\u201d<\/strong> (things the child enjoys). Kohn argues that taking away privileges isn\u2019t ideal because it doesn\u2019t directly link the problem behavior with the consequence\u2014unlike, for example, making a child clean up the colorful crayon mural she\u2019s drawn on the walls. (Shortform note: Some experts recommend allowing a child to experience the \u201cnatural consequences<\/a>\u201d of their behavior, such as allowing him to get wet if he doesn\u2019t put on his raincoat, even arguing that doing this increases kids\u2019 intrinsic motivation<\/a> to avoid uncomfortable consequences. However, despite his overall inclination toward non-intervention, Kohn warns against this strategy in most cases. He says that the thing children are most likely to learn from this setup is that you could have helped them but chose not to.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Kohn, we shouldn\u2019t use punishments with children because<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. They don\u2019t help the child to develop internal moral standards. <\/strong>Punishments don\u2019t teach children to take responsibility for their behavior, repair relationships, or fix the problems they\u2019ve caused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. They can be counterproductive<\/strong>: A child\u2019s negative reaction to a punishment (for example, yelling or crying) might prompt the parent to punish more, locking both into a vicious cycle of punishments with increasing stakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. They misdirect children\u2019s attention<\/strong>, causing them to focus on the punishment itself and their anger about it rather than the problem behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4. They cultivate either rebellion or overcompliance in the long term. <\/strong>Children whose parents rely on harsh punishments usually turn out in one of two ways: They stop questioning authority in a healthy way and end up completely disempowered, or they deliberately rebel. And in the case of rebellion, punishments simply encourage children to focus on not getting caught, rather than discouraging the behavior itself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Want to learn more about disciplining your child? You can dive deeper into this complex topic with our full guides to the books mentioned in this article.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Want to know how to discipline your child without ruining your relationship? Here’s the best advice from parenting experts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":2050,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nTable of Contents<\/h2>
Don\u2019t Mistake Punishment for Discipline<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. The Communication Method<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Ask Misbehaving Children for Their Help<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Explain Why They Should Behave Differently<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Ask Them to Help You Solve the Problem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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2. The No-Drama Technique<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Keep the Brain in Mind<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Be Mindful<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Autopilot Responses<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Time-Outs<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Spanking<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Time It Right<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. The No Punishment Approach<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
What Counts as a Punishment?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Why You Should Stop Punishing Children<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Explore Further<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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